Match 12217 Batman and Ultimate Punisher vs. Erin Esurance and Mayhem (Allstate)

[Marvel Man]

Insurance for Life

--------------------

Punisher War Journal July 22, 2012: Khazan 

 

"Frank. Are you ready?"

 

I had placed the earpiece in my ear myself, but even so, the sudden sound is surprising. I find my right hand on my .44 Magnum before I even think about it. I've been doing this for so long. Have to relax. Can't go in shooting like a madman. At least, not yet. 

 

The voice on my earpiece asks me if I'm ready to go inside. I ignore the voice. The Batman probably isn't used to being ignored. Funny thing here, almost makes one laugh. The Punisher and the Batman, working together. I probably won't give him a friendship bracelet anytime soon, but we've swallowed our differences for tonight. Like every other hero in this city, he probably hates my methods. But I don't do what I do for anyone's approval. I do it for the regular joe. The average guy. The type of guys who worry about their cars and whether the mechanic is ripping them off. The guys who play catch with their sons and worry about who their daughters go out with. The type of guy I could have been. 

 

With these thoughts in my head, I entered Khazan's Premiere Insurance Store.

 

--------------------

 

Frank Castle opens the door and steps inside. On the monitor, I switch to the store's internal cameras and carefully focus on him. Suddenly, Oracle's voice comes in. 

 

"How's the mission going Bruce?"

 

I go through a couple hundred phrases. Working with the Punisher is an awful idea. You're sure Dick couldn't get here? I should have done this alone. 

 

"Everything's going as planned. The Punisher is entering the insurance office now."

 

"Oh, that's great. But Bruce, what exactly are you doing running a mission with the Punisher?"

 

I don't know. Poor planning on my part. Why didn't I think of a better plan? He's crazy. 

 

"The Punisher's Battle Van was crashed into a gas station earlier this week. As you know, around the same time, the Batmobile was involved in a similar incident. In both cases, there was no driver. I wouldn't have gone to him just because of that, but reports have been coming in of people having unnatural bad luck for the last month. Serious property damage is reported. And then this new insurance mega store opens up? It's too suspicious."

 

I  hear Oracle try to hold back her laughter. A few seconds later and she comes back, her voice still filled with amusement.

 

"Okay Bruce. I'm assuming it's a slow night over in Khazan?"

 

Now I'm the one holding back laughter. Khazan. The nexus of all reality. Having a slow night?

 

Suddenly, I see Frank approach the checkpoint. It's time.

 

"I have to go Oracle. I'll call you in an hour."

 

--------------------

 

As I walk in, I do my usual scan. Batman and I already went over the store's layout, but habits are hard to break. It's built like a maze. Everything in Khazan always is. Aflac, GEICO, and all the other major insurance agencies have their little set ups scattered throughout the place. On the outside, the store couldn't be bigger than your local Starbucks, but thanks to Khazan technology (a mix of Skrull, Kree, and anything else you can imagine) the place could easily fit in a couple Wal-Marts. 

 

"Hello sir. How can I help you?"

 

I'm suppose to be angry. Get myself in trouble. Batman snoops around in the back and gets the info on this place. We bust the guy responsible for all the damages. Not my usual job, and not the usual plan, but this place isn't your usual place. I have a bad feeling about it, and I can tell the Bat feels the same. 

 

The girl from the Progressive commercials is smiling at me. She's smiling at everyone. What's wrong with this place?

 

"Sir, can I help you?"

 

I look up, anger building. But suddenly, I'm not angry. Before me is the calmest  looking guy in the entire world. It's the african american president from 24, and the guy from all the Allstate commercials. I'm in good hands. 

 

"... I-... I'm looking for some car insurance."

 

What? No I'm not! Why did I say that? 

 

"Of course. Here, let me show you some of our affordable plans. Remember, with Allstate, you're in good hands."

 

The man smiles at me and begins to take out some pamphlets or something. I try to frown, to shout, to reach out and punch him. Anything. But I can't. I start to sweat. What's going on?

 

"See, this is our most popular plan."

 

He points at something. I look him in the eyes. His face is smiling, but his eyes are grinning. He knows what he's doing to me. I can't fight this feeling. I feel like a small child. 

 

"Sir. I said, this is our most popular plan. Don't you want to look at it?"

 

I grit my teeth. My neck wants to move. Wants me to look at the paper. I fight it with all my might. He's still smiling. Now I'm smiling. Why am I smiling? Oh god, I'm looking down. What's going on?!

 

--------------------

 

Frank's conversation comes in and it's not at all what we rehearsed. I realize something's wrong. He's talking about boat insurance with the salesman. As I walk in, my bat suit under a regular suit, I make a beeline towards where he is. However, Flo, the girl from the Progressive commercials, steps in my way. 

 

"Hello good sir! I see you're heading to Allstate but we have sooooo many better offers."

 

"No thanks Flo-..."

 

"GAH! You know my name!"

 

Flo swoons and tries to grab onto my shoulders. I step back and she falls head first into the ground. I probably should have caught her.

 

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry ma'm. Here, let me help you up."

 

Reaching down to help her, I'm surprised by her quick reflexes. She grips my arm tightly as she stands. Her face is no longer of an annoying beaming girl but of a terrified woman.

 

"You have to get out of here! Look... I don't know how you snapped me out of my programming, but this place isn't what you think."

 

I search her eyes for any trace of the joking Flo I've seen on tv, but there is only fear. Fear and truth. 

 

"Sir, please believe me. I don't know how long I'll be myself. This entire place is owned by a very small very rich very dangerous organization. It only appears like there's competition among different insurance groups. It's all a lie. You have to call the police. Call the military. Call someone!"

 

Suddenly, Flo begins to jerk violently. I grab her arms trying to help her keep her balance. 

 

"Flo! Stay with me. Who's leading this?"

 

Her head shakes back and forth. She begins to say all sorts of things.

 

"GAH! I love working here! Th-th-th-th-eeee BEST part of working here is meeting new people!"

 

She looks at me and smiles, then frowns, then smiles again. She begins to say something else but instead faints. I've seen this type of brainwashing before. It's very old and usually destroys the victim's mind. This isn't what we thought. 

 

"Oh my gosh! He hurt Flo!" a voice cries out. 

 

Looking up, I see various insurance employees getting closer. When I came in, there seemed to be an even mix of men and women of various ages. Now, only angry men seem to work here. I sling Flo over my should and run towards Frank. He's talking about helicopter insurance now. Obviously, the guy he's talking with isn't your average salesman. 

 

"Why, hello sir. And what can I do for you?"

 

The man turns to me and I begin to slow down. Whatever he did to Frank, he's doing to me now. Before I lose all will, I do the only thing I can. I throw Flo's body at him, which knocks him out immediately. 

 

That seems to snap Frank out of it too.

 

"Frank, this whole place is not what we thought. The insurance companies are all owned by a the same people. They're the ones behind the accidents throughout Khazan."

 

That's the last thing I'm able to say to Frank before it all starts going downhill. At that moment, a powerful alarm buzzes throughout the building. Metal bars emerge, sealing off the windows and doors. The tough looking employees are all smiling now. The ones located behind desks begin to pull out shotguns and automated weapons. 

 

I throw down some smoke pellets and hope Frank knows to get down. I hear him begin to say something, but his words are drowned out by the shooting. Bullets whiz through my makeshift cover, barely missing my head. I scramble for cover behind a desk as I reach for the mask in my suit's inside pocket...

 

--------------------

 

The Bat was smart. His smokescreen was the only thing that kept us from biting the dust right there and then. I'll send him a fruit basket later. 

 

As I run for the Progressive section's maze of shelves, I shoot as many lights as I can. The grunts all give cries of surprise as the majority of the building goes dark. The lights that I didn't get give the area only minimum lighting. Perfect. 

 

"He's in the shelves area, get him!"

 

The grunts rush forward, apparently unaware of who I am. Whipping out twin uzis, I unload on the mindless horde and make the local undertaker a rich man. Two waves of grunts later and the whole place is going crazy. They stop rushing into the opening in front of me, maybe because they're smart or maybe because they're scared. Either way, I dont wait around. Running deeper into the Progressive area, I try to shoot more lights. 

 

Suddenly a British voice shouts something at me. Maybe it's Australian. I can't tell. Spinning around, I aim at the Geico Gecko. I never imagined I'd ever find myself aiming at a talking gecko. 

 

"Wait! Don't shoot!" he says. Oh, if I had a dime for every time I heard that. As always, I shoot anyways. Blood and small green parts fly everywhere. 

 

"YOU SHOT HIM!!!" 

 

The voice startles me, but not quite as much as the punch that follows. Recovering from the hit, I find myself face to face with the Geico Caveman. He's not angry about being called dumb now. Instead, he's just angry. And strong. 

 

"IMMA KILL YOU!" He shouts out. Again, another classic phrase. 

 

Before I can take aim, he's at me again. One single punch sends me flying into a shelf. My guns slip out of my hand, but at least I don't let the darkness take me. I'm groggy, yeah, but at least I'm still awake for when he wraps his hairy hands around my neck. I've been in this position before though, so before he can get a good grip, I throw my hand up and poke his eyes. A childish move? Maybe. But the Caveman does what they all do. He screams and grabs his face. Taking advantage of the moment, I give him a good kick to his sensitive parts and throw him off. 

 

I reach for my old friend, who's all loaded and ready to help. However, before I can give him the final blow, a voice shouts out from behind me. 

 

"Hello Punisher! Welcome to Progressive! How can I help you???!!"

 

It's Flo. Flo from those commercials. Flo with an RPG.

 

I dive for cover and the projectile barely goes over my left shoulder. It hits another shelf and explodes, sending wood and general debris in all directions. I whip out my gun and aim to where Flo was, but now she's gone. Or maybe she's still here. I can't tell with all the smoke. 

 

Suddenly, a hand grabs my shoulder. It clamps down hard and begins to crush some bones. My gun drops to the floor as pain fills my mind. I fling my head back, breaking the Caveman's nose. He lets go, and I crash forward reaching blindly for my gun. 

 

"Progressive will suit all your needs!" Flo shouts out. I look up just in time to see her take aim.

 

Just then, for absolutely no reason, the wall besides us explodes. I grab my gun and do my best to roll with the blast's wave. Concrete and debris falls from all around as other explosions rock the building. 

 

I struggle to stay on my feet...

 

--------------------

 

"Where is he?!"

 

Whether they're corporate goons or just muggers on the streets, criminals are all the same. Full of fear. They fear because they know what I am. I am the justice they can't escape from. 

 

I sweep down, delivering a punch to the man's jaw. He's unconscious before he hits the floor. I disappear into the shadows again, leaving the other goons to shoot blindly. They're easy pickings. 

 

Suddenly, I hear a voice. 

 

"It's the middle of an epic battle between good and evil, and you think you have the whole thing figured out. But I'm the crazy guy who planted bombs all over the place. They're about to go off. And your cut rate insurance may not cover this. So switch to Allstate, and be better protected from Mayhem. Like me."

 

I look up and see Mayhem. He looks down at me from a metal beam and smiles. He presses a button on his watch and the whole game changes. I shoot out a cable to grab onto the metal beam, but the desk besides me explodes, sending me flying. Elsewhere, various other places explode as well. The insurance employees run around like headless chickens, but it doesn't matter where they run. Bombs seem to be everywhere. One after another, they go off, sending concrete and bodies flying. 

 

Speaking of flying, I barely hang on to my own lifeline as it automatically zips me up. I swing over the metal beam and land as gracefully as I can. The blast left me disoriented, but at least it's just me and Mayhem now. 

 

"Hello Batman. I'm Erin Esurance." A voice says. I turn around and see a woman land on the metal beam with the grace only trained individuals possess. She pulls out a handgun. 

 

I look back at Mayhem, but he has disappeared. Where he'll appear next, I don't know. Turning back to Erin, I reach down for a batarang...

[Callisto]

Learn More About

Batman

Read more about Batman at Wikipedia

Official Site: DC Comics Links: Wikipedia Batman Entry The Dark Knight Golden Age Batman Site

 

Ultimate Punisher

Official Site: Marvel Comics Links: Wikipedia Marvel Wiki Marvel Wiki

 

Erin Esurance

Read more about Erin Esurance at Wikipedia

Official Site: Esurance Links: Wikipedia VECTORVAULT LoveToKnow

 

Mayhem (Allstate)

Read more about Mayhem (Allstate) at Wikipedia

Official Site: Allstate Links: Wikipedia TVAcres.com The New York Times

 

 

[Marvel Man]

So, in reality, it's:

 

Batman (usual gear)

Punisher (usual gear and not Ultimate Universe version, just 616 version)

 

VS

 

Flo (RPG)

Geico Caveman

Erin Esurance

Mayhem

 

Who wins? Who dies? You decide!

[Guest LoneWolf]

Give me a minute to read. Looking really good so far!

[kainboa]

There were a few spelling errors that I noticed, but all in all a very good match.

[Guest a guy]

Punisher Batman Mayhem

[Marvel Man]

Yeah, I wrote the majority of it all in one quick burst of creative juices/free time.

 

Really wish I had gone back over it more, as I see what you're saying Kain.

[Guest LoneWolf]

Amazing set-up Marvel Man! This was almost too much: "Wait! Don't shoot!" he says. Oh, if I had a dime for every time I heard that. As always, I shoot anyways. Blood and small green parts fly everywhere.

 

Hilarious! Two of the best heroes in the game vs some psyched out salesmen/woman and some B list villain I've never heard of.. Going with team 1 for the win. If you don't get a 4.0 on this match that will be a crime. One thing. The title is missing an 'L' or...? It looks that way.

[DSkillz]

Heh, this is just about hilarious!

 

Another great set-up, Marvel Man. Not to mention the debut of two insurance icons to boot! I've actually had a similar idea for a match, but you really pull it off here.

 

As for the match, Bats and Frank just may have their hands full here, especially with Erin Esurance's spy-like abilities and arsenal and Mayhem's near-toon force abilities. Somehow, though, I think the reluctant comics duo may pull through.

 

Wow, this match is really going to be tough to top.

 

Really wish I had gone back over it more, ...

 

You still can, you know. You now edit your matches at any time.

 

EDIT: Flo from Progessive, hmmm... Might actually make a good character add.

[DamagingRob]

Wow! This was frickin' funny as hell, Marv. The insurance people are definitely the underdog, in a match like this, so I'm gonna toss a vote their way. Besides, like Skillz said, they have some pretty impressive abilities, if you've seen enough of their commercials.

[Marvel Man]

Haha. Thanks Skillz/Rob. I was hoping to make this humorous, but my original draft was way too long. I added the Oracle piece to summarize but even so, this is easily one of my longer set ups. Glad to hear some of the humor is still noticeable.

 

As for going back and editing, I'll probably do that at some point. Running low on time at the moment.

 

MARVANOTE: And yep. Totally saw that you added Mayhem, which inspired this match. Thanks for that. I thought Flo was already in the database too.

[DamagingRob]

How long was the original draft? This one's only 2,415 words (according to wordcounter.net); that's not even Rakai length.

[Marvel Man]

Well yeah. Heh. If you bring in guys like Rakai, I guess my set up isn't quite that long.

 

But going by the Marvel Man Standard this set up is quite long. I'm much more fond of the short set ups. They're quick to read and show that you don't always have to write a novel to get an A.

 

MARVANOTE: And the original draft had the whole Mayhem wrecking the Batmobile/Battle Van scenes, and Punisher having his Superhero Vehicle Insurance revoked (thus making him have to get insurance from Allstate). Meanwhile, Batman is on the trail of Mayhem. Hilarity ensues. The original story was easily going to be twice as long. I was able to cut a lot of it out by just having the Punisher and Batman working together.

[ThePhenomenalOne]

Absolutely hilarious. Mayhem can take some damage but, Batman can dish it out as well.Erin Esurance has some pretty good ninja skills. Bat. I'm going with Frank and Bruce on this one. A from me if I could rate. Amazing stuff man.

 

 

 

The Bat was smart. His smokescreen was the only thing that kept us from biting the dust right there and then. I'll send him a fruit basket later.

 

This small line right here, made Monster Mean Bean come out of my nose a little bit.

[patrickthekid]

*slow clap*

 

The main problem is Mayhem. He always seems to be able to find a reason to need insurance. One false mood and they could end up in the hospital, all because neither of them has insurance

[Mercenaryblade]

Awesome matchup, I think Mayhem is the biggest problem posibly he's chaos incarnate.

[Guest force_echo]

Why would the insurance companies start destroying cars? That means they'd likely have to pay for all of it. You never see insurance companies burn down buildings, it's always the guy who owns the building- to get insurance money.

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

USER RATINGS

A

A Nice and funny set-up!

B

A

SCORE

Ultimate Punisher and Batman: 20

Mayhem (Allstate) and Erin Esurance: 7

FPA: 3.8

 

[Marvel Man]

Why would the insurance companies start destroying cars? That means they'd likely have to pay for all of it. You never see insurance companies burn down buildings, it's always the guy who owns the building- to get insurance money.

Ah! Logic!

 

It burns!!

 

MARVANOTE: Mayhem and the insurance companies were targeting people who didn't have insurance, so as to encourage people to get insurance. Sort of an extreme extension of the Mayhem commercials.

[Guest MarvelFan15]

Who gave you a "B"? This is certified Grade-A material.

[JohnnyChany]

Missed this match in its initial run. I loved the creativity. Thumbs way up!!