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ThePhenomenalOne

CBUB Match Judges
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ThePhenomenalOne last won the day on September 13 2024

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    Location? I don't even know you mister
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    A corn fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles, yoyos, a circus midget, my grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck

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    Towelie
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    My wife’s boyfriend

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  1. Am I supposed to be in this since I won my round?
  2. Here is my entry. I hope yinz enjoy. It was fun to do but i'm definitely rusty on my rap skills
  3. Where the hell am I? Why did someone pee in my pants? Is that f*cking Logan over there. Wait…wait….wait. F*ck! I can’t f*cking say f*ck? What the f*cking pg shit is going on here? Hold on, I said shit, so this must be pg-13! Shit yeah! How in the hell do I use my only one F-bomb. It needs to be perfect. Patience young padawan, need to be on my Yoda shit right now. Or was that Obi-Won? I really need to watch those again. I guess even the new ones since I’m Marvel Jesus and Disney basically owns my ass. Maybe they’ll make a new one and this time I get to fight Palpatine. I would look pretty badass with a lightsaber. That would ne dope as shit if I could do Jedi mind tricks and shit!” Deadpool puts one hand to his temple and reaches his other arm out and concentrates as hard as he can while staring at a spoon on the table, trying to get it to move. “Shit, almost gave myself an aneurysm. F*ck! Wow, still can’t say it. Wonder when that glorious asterisk is going to go away. F*ck, f*ckity, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck. 8====D~~. Ha! A penis. I guess I’m allowed some sexual innuendo, that’s always a good thing.” Deadpool laughs to himself “Do you ever shut the fuck up?!” Logan screams at Deadpool from across the room while rubbing his head Deadpool puts his hands to his head and screams “You asshole!! You ruined it! That was the only one we got and you already used it. It wasn’t even a good one. You tell me to shut the f*ck up all the time! God damnit! It censored it! You truly are the worst Logan ever.” “I really don’t give a shit what you think. I want to know why we’re here. I don’t remember getting here and I can’t remember the last thing that happened.” Logan states “I don’t remember shit either but I do know that I hate you for taking my moment away from me! It was going to be an f-bomb for the ages! You had to go and shit it up! Now I’m saying things that don’t make sense because you took it away from me!” Deadpool says as his anger grows “Listen, bub, we need to figure out where the hell we are and how in the hell do we get out of here. Something doesn’t smell right.” Logan says sniffing the air “You’re right, I’m sorry. You’re still an asshole though. Let’s see where this door takes us.” Deadpool says as he reaches out for the doorknob. “I wouldn’t go out there until you’re ready. You don’t want to go out there unprepared.” An ominous voice says “What the shit? Who the hell are you? What’s behind the door? I’ve walked in on my parents doing the horizontal tango if you know what I mean. I’m sure I’ll be prepared for whatever is behind this door.” Deadpool says as he starts to turn the knob “Hey! Dumbass! Can you use your brain for one damn second before you get both of us in a shitty situation?” Logan snaps at Deadpool “Ohhhhh, excuse me Mr. goody two shoes. Mr. team leader. You’re the ultimate killing machine? What in the hell are you afraid of? Is it going to be someone on the other side getting ready to give you a bath? Because you smell like bigfoot’s dick.” Deadpool says “How f*cking dumb can you be. Wait, you weren’t joking about saying f*ck? That’s a load of shit. Regardless, we need just take our time and figure out some things. Maybe ask the mystery voice some questions.” Logan says “Good idea! Hey! Mr f*ckface scary voice. Why do you have us here? What’s behind the door? And an asshole says what?” Deadpool says as he asks the last question really fast “mrmrmrmrdsmmd” the voice says “What?” Deadpool says “Hahahaha you’re an asshole. I got you to say what.” The voice replies “You son of a bitch!” Deadpool says in anger “To answer your questions, I have you here because I’m bored and I entered a contest and you two assholes came across my brain as this deadline is rapidly approaching. Behind that door is battle stage where I’m going to have you 2 duke it out for my pleasure and a couple of nerds on this old comic book website. This isn’t just any battle though. You won’t be fighting each other.” The voice says “The last time something like this happened, I ended up having to play salty cracker and I lost. I hope it isn’t something like that again. Nobody ate pineapples and it was gross.” Deadpool says “That’s hilarious and disgusting. This battle isn’t like that. This is some old school shit. You two are going to have a RAP BATTLE! After that, we will determine a winner and I’ll let you go. Super easy. But, if you two suck, and don’t get me to the finals, I’ll keep you here forever and just come up with the most random, stupid things for you two to do forever! I’ll just make sure I always use you 2 in a match and make it stupid. I know stupid matches! I’ve done a lot of them!” The voice laughs “A rap battle? That’s it. I’m going to smoke this hairy, smelly, clawboy like a blunt.” Deadpool says “I don’t rap. I’m not going to rap. I’m just going to kill you both.” Logan says “Too late Wolvie! It’s 8 mile time!” Deadpool says as he opens the door As soon as he opens the door, Deadpool and Logan are transferred through a wormhole and both land on a stage in front of a raucous crowd. They stare at the crowd and then each other. “Holy shit! This is like 8 mile.” Deadpool starts to get real excited A man walks in between them on stage and a microphone drops from the ceiling “YOOOOOOO!!! It’s ya boy! I’m here tonight with another legendary rap battle for yall! We’ve got the Merc with a mouth Deadpool going up against Weapon X himself, Logan! Here are the rules! Both contestants will get 2 verses and then it will be up to the crowd. Deadpool, you’re up first!” The DJ hands Deadpool the mic. “DJ! Spin that shit!” The beat drops and Deadpool starts pacing back and forth on stage. He walks to the middle of the stage and starts his flow. Check it out, it’s me the merc with a mouth/ and I’m about to tell you what I’m all about/ I like kicking ass and hanging out with Peter/ this guy over here, he’s a cake eater/he’s got metal on his bones and some dumb metal claws/the only thing he’s good at is gargling on my balls/comes running like a bitch anytime Jean calls/ if he only knew I got her wet like Niagara Falls/ he’s a cuck/ he’s a schmuck/he’s also the reason why I can’t say the word f*ck/ but I’ll still win this battle against this leprechaun that’s out of luck/that’s right I did a short joke/ wolvie might take out his claws and give me a little poke/ little does he know that last night I made Jean choke/ straight gagging on my chimichanga/ I look over when I’m done and say hey Jimmy do you wanna?/ Is it james or logan I can’t remember/keep messing with me and you’ll be gone til next December/ dismember your body and put it in a blender/ I could take this dude out even if I was on a 4 day bender!! Ohhh snap! Deadpool came with some heat! Let’s see what you got Logan! I hate rap but I hate Deadpool more/he keeps messing with me and he’ll be dead on the floor/blood splattered on the door/aren’t you dating a hooker? Makes it easy for me to score/You try to bring Jean in to this and I might have to go bezerker/ leave you so messed up that you turn into a lurker/ just standing there and looking at stuff/ people will ask what’s wrong? I’ll say there’s too much in his butt/ I’m not judging it’s just something he likes to do/ trying to stick random things up there and say how do you do/if you only knew/ the type of freak this man is/pay someone $50 just to taste their piss/he likes to lick the white stuff in the corner of old peoples lips/ you don’t even want to know what he says when he’s about to jizz/this dude wear red so people won’t see him bleed/ but this man also has to sit down everytime he pees!! Logan with some freaky shit in that round!!! Wow! Deadpool, what do you have to say for yourself? Leave Vanessa’s name out of your damn mouth before you get hurt/When I get done with you even professor x won’t be able to make your brain work/you’ll just start to twirk and twitch/ walking around telling everyone I’m Deadpool’s bitch!/because I own you Logan, you can’t mess with this skills/ now open your mouth and give me back my testicles/because I’m gonna need them for later, you’ll see/when you come back to the x mansion and see me on top of Jubilee/ saying how dare you and I say who, me?/ you’ve got nothing on me Logan/ I’m the best at what I do and that’s being a bitch, there’s your new slogan/body slam you like your hero Hulk Hogan/ Drop elbows like the Macho Man/ and you’ll just take it saying I’ll get it any way that I can/ you’re not a man/ you’re a punk/now go back to broadway before you get really f*cked up! Alright, alright! Got some fire coming from Deadpool. Logan, this is your last chance. Spit some fire Now everybody from the 616 put your hands up and tell Deadpool to suck my d*ck/ now notice while this douche stands tough/notice that this man did not have his hands up/This whole R rating gots you gassed up/ now who’s afraid of his dumb red suit/1 2 3 and to the 4/ notice how there is no X-force no more/ because this guy really isn’t a leader and he’s super gay/How you gonna act tough when your real name’s Wade?/ Yeah, I’ve done some stuff I’m not proud of/ but this dude is really a straight clown, huh/nobody likes you and your woman left you/the only reason Peter is around is because you give the guy a reach around/besides that all your friends left/ because staying away from you is the only safe bet/ you smell, you’re stupid, and you never shut up/ keep messing with me and I’ll leave you cut up/ slice you and dice you and leave you in tiny pieces/ you’ll have to get picked up like James Woods does Reece’s pieces/ooohhh a piece of candy/ go home and clap vanessa’s cheeks like Sandy/ drink some Brandy and smoke a nice stoagie/ then go home and eat Jean like a hoagie/ so why don’t you shut the hell up and blow me Woooowwwww Logan with some 8 mile work there!! That’s the battle! This is what I did for the last hour at work instead of doing actual work! I hope yinz enjoy it! I'm just happy I got something in.
  4. Exar Kun has wayyyy better feats than Zedd. Zedd just received his force powers compared to Kun who has mastered them. The dude laid dormant for thousands of years as a force ghost and still messed people up. Now we're giving him extra abilities and in his prime? Kun takes this and makes Zedd an apprentice.
  5. Damn Chiefs vs Eagles in the Superbowl. The Pittsburgh in me is making it very hard to root for Philly, but I do not want to see the Chiefs get a threepeat. I'd be happy if Saquon got a ring though, the man deserves it.
  6. Thank you and sorry. I’ll make sure to double check before I rate.
  7. There’s no way I gave this a 3.0. I sincerely apologize for messing that up. I def thought I gave it a 4.8 and it shouldn’t hurt your score. Is there anyway for that to be fixed or at least calculated so it doesn’t hurt the tournament? It should be 4.65 instead of 4.2.
  8. Everyone put out some damn good matchups! I need to step my game up. I wrote mine in 20 mins during lunch break just to get something in. It is horrible compared to yinz. I'm going to try to step my game up for the January challenge and next tournament. It truly is amazing to see how creative some of you assholes are. Phenomenal job to everyone so far, I'm thoroughly enjoying reading these captivating stories!
  9. It was a beautiful December morning in Scranton, Pennsylvania with the sun shining down on Dunder Mifflin. Most of the office was already at their desks getting ready for the day. Dwight walks in wearing his karate gi. Jim smiles as he sees Dwight walks by and immediately smiles at the camera. “Good morning, Dwight. Is there a ninja attack I’m unaware of today?” Jim asks “Hilarious Jim, as always. If you must know, I’m receiving my second degree black belt today at lunch and am preparing myself for this glorious occasion.” Dwight states without even looking at Jim. “Second degree black belt? Wow. Am I able to hire you to do security at Cici’s birthday party?” Jim smirks “If you value the safety of your children, it would be wise to hire me. I’m $100 an hour plus I get food and cake.” Dwight retorts “$25 an hour and you can have food and cake.” Jim replies “Deal. I would’ve done it just for the food and to protect your family since you clearly can’t” Dwight replies with a smirk on his face. Jim walks over to Pam and tells her the news. “I don’t want Dwight dressed as a ninja at our child’s birthday party.” Pam says annoyed “Come on! It will be hilarious and hopefully he will try some karate stuff and make a fool out of himself.” Jim smiles “Ok, but if he ruins this party in any way, you have to take me New York for a weekend and go to all of the art museums with me.” Pam smiles “You’ve got a deal Beasley.” Jim smiles The day of the party has arrived and Dwight shows up in his gi, ready to take his job seriously. The party is going pretty smooth. The kids are playing nicely and the parents are enjoying themselves. Cici is running around when one of the other kids walks up and takes the tiara off her head and toy in her hand. She immediately starts to cry. Before any parent can intervene, Dwight walks up to the kids that took Cici’s things and demands the kid to give them back. “Those are not your items and you are stealing from the birthday girl. You need to give those back immediately.” Dwight says firmly to the young child “Why don’t you and your dumb face get out of here before I pound you.” The young kid says defiantly to Dwight “I’m a second degree black belt and will crane kick you over that fence.” Dwight says as he starts to take the Crane stance. As he takes his stance he feels a big hand on his shoulder. Dwight turns around to see a massive 6’6 300lb man. “Were you just about to kick my child in the face?” The ominous figure asks “N..no, I wasn’t. I was simply trying to instill fear in your child who stole toys from the birthday girl.” Dwight says nervously “Oh! So you were just going to act like you were going to kick my kid so you could scare him?!” The man screams at Dwight Jim and Pam run up to the situation to try and de-escalate it. “Sir, this is just some misunderstanding. Dwight never would have kicked your kid and I’m sorry that he even tried to scare your kid. Your son did take things from my daughter though and it’s not right.” Jim says to the big man “Stay out of this string bean before I kick your ass and dollar store Jackie Chan’s ass over here.” The big man says and he pushes Jim. As soon as the man pushes Jim, Dwight lets out a battle cry and attempts a crane kick at the man. He misses wildly and the big man punches Dwight in the face and knocks him unconscious. “I’m calling 911!” Pam says as she grabs Cici and goes inside. “This party is lame anyways.” The big man says as he grabs his child and leaves. Jim rushes over to Dwight and starts to help him up “Are you ok?” Jim asks Dwight “That guy will think twice before coming to this beet farm again” Dwight slurs as he speaks “Dwight, that big guy knocked you out. I don’t think any kind of karate training was going to help you with that fight.” Jim says “I..I don’t understand. I take my training very seriously. This is unacceptable. I need to get stronger.” Dwight says as he brushes himself off and gets up to leave. As Dwight was walking out another parent met him at his car. “That was brave of you to stand up to that guy but you definitely need more training. There’s a new dojo in town that is pretty intense and can for sure help you. It’s called Cobra Kai.” The guy hands Dwight a card and walks away. The next day Dwight shows up at Cobra Kai. It’s barely lit when he walks in. “Hello? Is anyone here?” Dwight asks “Who are you and what do you want?” A figure in the back of the dojo asks while lighting a cigar. “My name is Dwight Shrute and I’m a second degree black belt in in Goju-Ryu karate. I thought it was the ultimate form of self-defense until I got my butt kicked at a kid’s birthday party yesterday.” Dwight says embarrassingly. “This is Cobra Kai. We make winners. We strike first and strike hard. There is no mercy in this dojo!” The man says walking closer to Dwight “Yes! That is what I need! Please, sensei, take me as your student. I will do everything that is told of me and you won’t find another work ethic like mine.” Dwight exclaims “Let’s see what you got. Come at me with everything you have.” The man says Dwight charges the man and is easily thrown to the mat. He gets up and tries a different attack only to have the same result. This is repeated about 10 times. “You don’t have any quit in you, do you boy?” The man says semi impressed “We Shrutes are many things, but a quitter is not one of them, sensei.” “I’ll train you. You will do everything I say and if you mess up just one time, I will kick your ass and throw you out! My name is Kreese. You will call me sensei.” Kreese smiles “Thank you sensei! I won’t let you down!” Dwight exclaims happily. The next 8 months are full of vigorous training and Dwight is starting to turn into the fighting machine he has always wanted to become. “Shrute, I must say, you’ve shocked the hell out of me. I didn’t think you would make it this long and become this warrior that you are today. You surprised me.” Kreese smiles “THANK YOU, SENSEI!” Dwight screams Now that you know the ways of Cobra Kai, I have a mission for you. There’s an ex-student of mine who is always getting in my way and threatening my dojo. I need you to take him out!” Kreese says “YES, SENSEI!” Dwight screams “His name is Johnny Lawerence. I’m going to get him to come here and I want you to end him, do you understand me?” Kreese says “YES,SENSEI!” Dwight screams Johnny Lawerence is at Miyagi-Do doing some training with the kids when his phone goes off. “Hello? Who’s this?” Johnny asks “My old student. I have a proposition for you.” Kreese replies “Kreese…I want nothing to do with you and don’t even know why your old ass is calling me. Leave me alone before I come over there and whoop your ass!” Johnny exclaims “Oh, Johnny boy. Is that any way to treat your old master who taught you everything you know?” Kreese replies “The only thing you’ve done is caused me pain. I hate you. Don’t call me again.” Johnny is about to hang up “Don’t hang up on me! This is going to change everything! This will help you save your little Miyagi-Do.” Kreese says “Talk fast, you’re pissing me off.” Johnny replies “I have a new student. He’s older, like you. But he doesn’t have that little bitch in him like you do. I’m proposing a one on one fight. Him vs you. He wins, Miyagi-Do shuts down and you leave town. If you win, I’ll shut down Cobra Kai and you’ll never hear from me again.” Kreese states “I’m so sick and tired of this bullshit. It’s always something with you. I don’t care who that guy is, I’m going to kick his ass! When and where and I’ll be there!” Johnny yells “Tomorrow, sundown, Cobra Kai.” Kreese replies “I’m going to fucking end this once and for all!” Johnny yells as he hangs up the phone. OK! So we have a super focused Dwight who has been training exclusively with Kreese for 8 months to become this Cobra Kai badass vs the old Cobra Kai badass Johnny Lawerence. Fight takes place at the Cobra Kai dojo with no outside interference. Hope yinz enjoy it!
  10. The men Swifities would beat the male juggalos. Most juggalos are out of shape, unathletic, and uncoordinated. The juggalettes would beat the female swifites because those bitches are straight up crazy. My money would be on the Swifities. Typing out swifities this many times really messes with your head...swifities...
  11. The Nth metal enhancements and durability are more than enough to handle Shrek's strength. Hawkman should take this rather easily.
  12. Sweet, thank you.
  13. Sweet sassy molassey! It's been quite sometime since I've participated in one of these!
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