Match 11116 Santa Claus vs. Apokolips

[DSkillz]

Apokolips, with its massive firepits, advanced weaponry, and metallic, fortress-like surface, is quite an intimidating sight to behold. Add that to its downtrodden and constantly tortured civilians, strong and cruel armies, and even more merciless ruler, and it is a world very much like Hell itself. So terrifying and powerful is this planet, it's only fitting that it is isolated from most of the rest of the universe.

 

At this time, Darkseid, he who rules and lords over Apokolips, stands with his huge hands clasped behind his back and surveys this evil ecumenopolis from a balcony in his throne room. All appears to be normal at the moment, at least by Apokoliptian standards. He observes some Lowlies being hoarded and shot at by a few Parademons to ensure enforcement of his malevolent law. Another hoard of Parademons soars over the ominous, dark red skies, being lead in patrol by Steppenwolf on his aircraft. In the distance, Darkseid sees Granny Goodness's Orphanage churning with activity, her Female Furies sparring ferociously just outside in preparation for combat.

 

All appears to be in order, but Darkseid knows on this day that all is not well on Apokolips, or at least won't be for long.

 

For today is Christmas Eve, and the despot knows that a certain, most unwelcome guest will be visiting, no, invading his domain very soon. A guest that would dare come to this forsaken planet to spread the promise of forbidden emotions, such as hope, goodness, and cheer, and do so on an annual basis. Darkseid's eyes literally burn a fiery red at merely the thought of such blasphemy in his empire.

 

Not this year, he thinks to himself, and never again.

 

This year, Darkseid and his forces have taken special measures for this "guest".

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

"DeSaad, have you made all of the necessary preparations?" asks the despot without turning around, addressing his advisor, who has just stepped into the throne room.

 

"Yes, Lord Darkseid," DeSaad answers with a bow. "All security on the planet is now on high alert. We have doubled the armaments of last year, anti-aircraft and otherwise, tripled the amount of satellites focusing on the skies, and we have erected our most powerful force field around the entire outer atmosphere of the planet."

 

"Good," says Darkseid. "Has my secret weapon fully matured?"

 

"Yes, master. He is at your disposal."

 

"Bring him to me at once. This is no time to waste."

 

A loud raucaus can suddenly be heard as shots from powerful firearms and vulgar language ring out just behind the chamber's main doors.

 

"That... may not be necessary, my lord," says DeSaad as backs away from the entrance.

 

There is a loud thumping on the huge doors just before they break away from their hinges and crash to the floor, with a barely conscious Kalibak heaped on top.

 

"F-forgive me, sire," Kalibak says weakly to his father and master, groaning as he tries to sit up. "I tried to explain how he came to be--"

 

"Lemme at 'em! When I find whatever fraggin' geek did this t' me, there's gonna be hell ta pay!"

 

Through the doorway steps the last Czarnian, Lobo, or at least what appears to be him, with a comandeered laser cannon in hand. This Lobo, however, has salmon-colored hair, pale-pink skin, hot-pink facial markings, and red-orange clothing as opposed to his normal black and white look. Needless to say, the discovery of this new look does not please the Czarnian one bit.

 

"Nobody, NOBODY, makes the Main Man look like a sissy and lives, at least with his vital organs in one piece!" he continues, seething. "Somebody better start talkin' NOW, 'fore I turn th' place ta a floatin' pile o' ash!"

 

"You may leave us now," says Darkseid to DeSaad and Kalibak, unmoved by the threats. They quickly depart the chamber.

 

Darkseid then turns to face the bounty hunter. "Welcome to Apokolips. I am Darkseid, your new lord and master."

 

"What're ya babblin' about, stone-face?" says the pink-hued Czarnian. "Nob'dy makes a slave outta this bastich!"

 

"You would do best to show reverence before me, scoundrel," the tyrant calmly scolds.

 

"Heh, heh, sorry... forgot who I was talkin' to," says Lobo nervously. Darkseid is one of the few beings that can rightfully give the Czarnian pause.

 

"Now, do you recall when you were reduced to adolescence, then killed and revived here on Apokolips?" the despot continues.

 

"Aw yeah, me and my clones trashed th' place, then started fraggin' each other 'til only th' real deal was left. Good times," the pasteled alien recalls with a smile.

 

"With our technology, we were able to preserve a single clone. We then altered it and allowed it to mature until it could fully serve my purpose. You are that clone, and you retain all of the original Lobo's abilities."

 

"What, no way! So I ain't th' real deal?!" a stunned Lobo blurts out. "Of all th' raggin', fraggin'..."

 

"This should not concern you," interrupts Darkseid. "As mentioned, you retain all of the abilities of the original Lobo, so if you fulfill this mission to my needs, you may seek him out and deal with him as you like."

 

"I like th' sound'a that!" the cloned mercenary beams. "Now, what do ya need, Darky?"

 

"Every Earth year," starts Darkseid, turning away. "on the night of what the people of Earth call Christmas Eve, the being known as Kris Kringle has somehow managed to evade and penetrate all of our defenses to deliver... a 'gift' to me." Darkseid cringes slightly at the word "gift". "What's more, his mere presence on Apokolips seems to inspire the slightest sense of hope in the Lowlies. This, I CANNOT allow."

 

"Oh, Santy Claus?" inquires the Lobo clone. "That bastich fr'm Earth that's always spreadin' joy and whatnot? Yeah, sure, I can frag 'im."

 

"Indeed. But the spirit of Santa Claus cannot be extinguished by merely slaying him. The original Lobo, however, is among the greatest bounty hunters in the cosmos. He, as he likes to say 'always delivers.' That is why you were re-spawned. If my forces fail again, you will bring my old nemesis to me, dead or alive, so that we can contain him for all time."

 

"Well, if that's all you need... but what's in it f'r me? The Main Man don't frag f'r nothin'!"

 

"I think this will suffice."

 

With a wave of his hand, Darkseid conjures up red-and-orange versions of Lobo's space cycle and weaponry. A second hand gesture makes a group of scantily clad alien women and a huge pile of gold and other riches appear. The Lobo clone literally drools at the sight of these indulgences.

 

"Now that's what I'm talkin's about!" says Pink Lobo. "One question, though, Darky. If all th' fireworks here and whatnot couldn't frag Ol' Jolly, why not just give 'im some OB action?"

 

"I have tried on more than one occasion," responds the tyrant. "Unfortunately, he has proven immune to my Omega Effect. EVERY aspect of it." Darkseid's hands rest to his sides and, in a rare outward display of anger, clinch tightly into fists during the final part of his statement.

 

"Ha ha ha! Well ain't that a blip!" laughs the pasteled Czarnian. "Th' lord of all evil can't even frag an old man! I can't wait ta tell all those geeks back at th' diner!"

 

The warlord turns back in the Czarnian clone's direction after the remark.

 

"The original Lobo was shunned by the gates of Heaven and rejected from the pits of Hell. Would you like to be the first part of him to see oblivion?" Darkseid says as his eyes glow a fiery red once again.

 

"Whoa, whoa, alright, alright, I get it! No more cracks!" the Lobo clone stammers fearfully while waving his hands. "Just turn off those blinkers o' yours, will ya!"

 

"We have reached an understanding. Good." Darkseid's eyes dim again. "Now, bring Santa Claus to me, by any means necessary."

 

--------------------

 

Somewhere in outer space, Ol' St. Nicholas himself, Santa Claus, rides his sleigh filled with a huge bag of gifts through the cosmos, hauled as usual by his nine best reindeer. How they survive the rigors of the vacuum of space year after year, let alone how they deliver presents across the universe in one night, has always been a mystery. As he has done countless times in the past, Santa checks his delivery list for his next destination.

 

"Is it that time already?" Santa says with a sigh as Apokolips comes into view. "So much evil in that place."

 

Santa has always done his annual Christmas Eve run with an infectious glee, but even his glee dims slightly at the sight of the malevolent planet.

 

"Those people should really follow the example of their neighbors in New Genesis. Now they... THEY, are truly a pleasure to visit."

 

The reindeer known as Donner snorts and rolls his eyes at Santa's statement.

 

"Ho, ho, ho, ho! I suppose you're right, old friend. That's probably expecting too much," St. Nick says cheerfully. "Darkseid is a brilliant fellow, but he may never understand the concept of Christmas Spirit."

 

Santa takes out his special telescope to see what the despot has in store for him this time.

 

"Let's see now... force field, anti-aircraft gear, the Furies... oh my, will he ever learn?"

 

He focuses the telescope closer to the planet's surface and catches an unexpected sight.

 

"Well, they've pulled out all the stops this year," Santa remarks. "Employing the services of Lobo of all people. He is certainly high on my naughty list, ho, ho, ho! But I am much better prepared for him than our last encounter. Onward to Apokolips, my reindeer! Rudolph, shine the way! Ho, ho, ho, ho!"

 

With a crack of the whip, Santa and his sleigh of gifts then soar toward the lowly planet.

[Callisto]

Learn More About

Santa Claus

Read more about Santa Claus at Wikipedia

Official Site: Public Domain Links: Wikipedia St. Nicholas Center Santaland

 

Apokolips

Official Site: DC Comics Links: Wikipedia Comic Vine DC Wikia

 

 

[DSkillz]

Alright, it's a Christmas match! In.. late March...

 

Thanks for the reviewers for accepting Apokolips at such short notice; they really didn't have to do so.

 

Okay, Santa Claus doesn't intend to fight here; all he wants to do is navigate Apokolips's forces, deliver Darkseid's "gift", possibly spread the slightest bit of Christmas cheer throughout the planet, and escape, as he does every year. Considering he manages to travel across dimensions (as proven by making it to Apokolips) and possibly across the universe in one night, it's safe to assume that on Christmas Eve, St. Nick can move far beyond the speed of light, or at least teleport to where to desires. Not to mention his other various, untold X-Mas tricks.

 

Darkseid's forces, however, are doing everything in their power to subdue Santa, dead or alive. They have tremendously increased their security and surveillance from years past. They have DeSaad, the Female Furies, Steppenwolf, Kalibak, Parademons and increased resources and capabilities from their usual advanced technology at their disposal. What's more, they have created a clone of Lobo, who has all of the capabilities of the original Czarnian menace, as well as perfect replicas of his space bike, gutting hook, and other weapons. Not to mention that the "Main Man always delivers", heh.

 

And now, here's the backstory on the history between Santa and Darkseid:

 

 

[DamagingRob]

Heh. The Bulls are about to start, so I might not get to read this until tomorrow, but looks good, DSkillz.

 

DamagEdit: They actually start at 7, so I read this. Great story, DSkillz.

[Guest bigballerju]

LOL Skillz came back with a vengence and delivered a slobber knocker!!

[DSkillz]

DamagEdit: They actually start at 7, so I read this. Great story, DSkillz.

 

Thanks, Rob. I was actually going to submit another match for the challenge and post this next X-Mas, but I was short on time and this was much closer to being finished.

 

LOL Skillz came back with a vengence and delivered a slobber knocker!!

 

Heh heh. Thanks, baller.

 

So, who do you guys pick for this one? I just edited my second post to show the requirements for the winner.

[Guest bigballerju]

Ha Ha I have to go read that comic now. Now as far as the match is concerned Santa is actually pretty powerful with his tricks which some wonder call a form of magic or whatever it is. Nobody is more powerful then Santa on Christmas Eve. Santa easily could distract Lobo and the Darkseid's forces with some sort of distraction maybe a mirage of Elfs singing Christmas or something that would annoy the Dark Forces to the point they completely forget about Santa for a while. Santa has enough tricks in him to give them a distraction thats so annoying that they lose focus for a while on Santa. Santa being able to teleport and move FTL easily delivers gifts to everyone on Darkseid spreading joy including Darkseid. By the time he is done Darkseid will be so pissed that Santa escaped again that his new rival will be Santa instead of Superman.

[DSkillz]

I thought this might be interesting to add here. Though after I looked through other pages from the comic this came from online, it's obvious that Santa definitely wasn't in the Christmas spirit.

 

[ThePhenomenalOne]

Hilarious and amazing story DSkillz, great job! Santa's speed and versatility will prove too much for Darkseid's forces and the pastel Lobo. You made the main man wear pastel! Hahahaha. Santa FTW!

 

Edit: I only noticed 1 mistake. In a sentence it says "you may out seek him out...". Besides that, amazing.

[DSkillz]

Hilarious and amazing story DSkillz, great job! Santa's speed and versatility will prove too much for Darkseid's forces and the pastel Lobo. You made the main man wear pastel! Hahahaha. Santa FTW!

 

Heh, heh, thanks man!

 

I felt sorry for Darkseid and co. so I gave them a clone of Lobo, who has killed Santa in the past, to try to even out the odds. I though the pastel thing would be a nice touch.

 

Edit: I only noticed 1 mistake. In a sentence it says "you may out seek him out...". Besides that, amazing.

 

 

Correcting...

 

EDIT: Done.

[Guest I'm On A Boat]

That's pretty awesome

[DSkillz]

Hey, I know who that is...

 

Thanks for the comment!

[leroypowell3]

OH MAN! I'll never sneer at a critisim from you again! You've earned the right, brutha, you've earned the right!

 

As much as it seems like Darksied may have a shot, I just can't vote against St. Nick. It's Christams Eve (in March). Presents for everybody on Apokolips!

[Guest DSkillz]

Hmm... one can't see signatures while offline now. Interesting.

 

OH MAN! I'll never sneer at a critisim from you again! You've earned the right, brutha, you've earned the right!

 

As much as it seems like Darksied may have a shot, I just can't vote against St. Nick. It's Christams Eve (in March). Presents for everybody on Apokolips!

 

What? You've been sneering at them this whole time?! OK, where's that "Edit Member" button?

 

But seriously, thanks, man! It means a great deal coming from you. I've been a fan of your matches from the start (except for your first one, heh). Why else do you think I've commented on almost every match of yours? Between your 70ish matches and my lowly four, you've actually have much more actual matchmaking experience than I do. You should've signed up for the March Challenge, dude.

[Guest Marvel Man]

Whoa! When did you start writing again? I hope I haven't missed any other masterpieces like this one. Needless to say, this gets an "It's Good" from me.

 

As for the match, how can Santa Claus lose on Christmas? While Lobo should provide an added challenge, no way does the Jolly Coke Spokesman fail to deliver Darkseid's deserved coal.

[DSkillz]

But one can't rate while offline...

 

Anyways, thanks, Marvel Man! Come on back to EF when you chance.

 

EDIT: BTW, you just missed treach's March Challenge. The results should come in today. There will be writing challenges every month, though.

[Guest Marvel Man]

Writing challenge??? The EF is finally doing those again?

 

Curse my luck. I see it wrapped up last week? Haha. I can't believe I missed the very first one. I'll have to mark my calendar for next month.

 

EDIT: DS, you've got to help me! I can view my control panel, but I can't do anything else... Everytime I log in, it brings me to an error page. And when I try to reply on the forums or do anything, it says I need to log in. But when I try to log in, it says I'm already logged in! Has this issue been talked about during the transition period? I already deleted all the cookies...

[DSkillz]

EDIT: DS, you've got to help me! I can view my control panel, but I can't do anything else... Everytime I log in, it brings me to an error page. And when I try to reply on the forums or do anything, it says I need to log in. But when I try to log in, it says I'm already logged in! Has this issue been talked about during the transition period? I already deleted all the cookies...

 

Hmm... sounds something like what Redemption X (a.k.a. Agustinaldo) is going through right now. I think I'll start a topic on the matter, but in the meantime, have you tried e-mailing the webmaster? BTW, he goes by a new username now.

[Guest Marvel Man]

Yes. I've noticed that. Fox Fingers?

 

And what's this I hear of Soberguy leaving? Have you read Surfer's blog? Darkender and Methos are gone as well? ... I hardly recognize the place.

[DSkillz]

Yep, I read Soberguy's last blog, too. The Off Topic forum's also gone. Long story.

 

http://www.electricferret.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=25421

 

Now, enough of this bad news. Let's get back to the match!

[Guest Marvel Man]

That-... That was something...

 

Uhhh... not sure how I feel about all this, but what's done is done. I'll miss the members who've left, but I guess we should focus on moving forward. I'll resume matchmaking soon! Hope you continue writing too.

[DSkillz]

Really looking forward to it, man!

 

Meanwhile, I think you may want to check this out.

[Marvel Man]

I'll click on that link shortly, but first, thanks for making that thread about my tech issue. Much appreciated.

[DSkillz]

Wow, since this little match has done so well, I might have to write a recap when voting is done.

 

I'll click on that link shortly, but first, thanks for making that thread about my tech issue. Much appreciated.

 

No problem, man!

 

One note, though: whenever you decide to start making matches again, you might want to type them out on a text editor and save them beforehand. I've heard the new format initially eats up scenarios, especially if you choose the three-hour delay option.

[Marvel Man]

Alright, thanks. I'll have to write something soon, and see if I still remember how the whole thing works.