Match 14664 Jason Voorhees vs. Mr. Hercule Satan

[ND7]

(Another match-up coming your way! Figured I’d do this in lieu of the other one I have planned not really panning out length-wise. It was inspired by both my friend AVP’s excellent Yang Xiao Long vs Joe Fixit match which you should definitely comment on(I haven’t yet….) and show him some love! The other was this excellent short animation by Worthikids! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pdF1a7Qi9c It’s where I’ll be basing this Jason’s characterization off! That said, I hope you all enjoy this! : ) ) 

Everyone had those days where you just didn’t want to get out of bed. The blanket was warm, you’d just gotten comfortable, you were tired. But no matter how much you have pleaded with yourself, you knew there were things that needed to get done no matter how much you may have wanted to put them off more and more. 

Even serial killers like Jason Voorhees. 

Laying with his blanket pulled over his head and teddy bear clutched under his arm, it was quite the contrast from the brooding silent murderer that plagued the shores of Crystal Lake. It was all just for appearance’s sake though. He didn’t sleep anymore. One of the perks of being a zombie he supposed. Plus the last time he fell under, it hadn’t been great.* Slipping one massive gloved hand out from under the covers, he tossed the blanket off and lurched from the bed, the floorboards creaking under the soles of his boots. It hadn’t been his idea to get hardwood when he seemed to be eternally waterlogged and dripping rancid smelling water wherever he walked but it is what is. 

He didn’t have the money to buy new flooring. As a matter of fact, he’d been strapped for cash ever since his ‘legal’ issues popped up. One person said they owned him, another guy said he did. It’d tied everything up which meant Jason had been working from the home and that meant no killing teenagers, having to watch the kids-not that he minded it-, and having to deal with Freddy more than he liked. Nobody wanted to hire the big lug for video games, to be the antagonist in a book, or anything. Even the medium from which he’d called home was of no aid. Any movie plans would have to wait until the lawsuit had come to a close. 

Whenever that’d end up happening though? Jason felt he could have lived for a hundred years and still not know. Grabbing his jacket and mask off the back of his door, he slipped them on and stepped out of his room and nearly stumbled into Scissormen* and Sadako both running around. The means with which Jason had ended up saddled with the two haunting children was it’s own story. One filled with heartache and misery. But no matter the headaches they caused, Jason took care of them. As much care as fellow monsters needed anyway. 

With all the free time he’d garnered as a result of the lawsuit, Jason had taken up hobbies he’d have never been able to pursue before. Thanks to the Necronomicon giving him just a shred more intelligence than he’d had in life, he took up ASL as a way to try and more easily communicate with those around him. It didn’t always pan out but he did his best. 

(‘Are you two behaving?’) 

Scissormen wandered off as something caught his eye leaving Sadako to be the one to answer her quasi-father figure. 

(‘Yes. We heard Freddy yelling about money so we came to play out here. Sorry if we woke you up.’) 

Jason waved it off before reaching down to gently ruffle the spirit’s hair. 

(‘You know Freddy, he’s either complaining or making bad jokes. One or the other. I’’ll go talk to him. You keep having fun, okay?’) 

Sadako nodded and Jason waited until she was out of eyesight before he shook his head. The way things were looking if he didn’t find some way to bring in money, the four of them were going to end up on the street. Killing teenagers was part of who they were but it didn’t pay the bills. Stepping down the hall until he reached Freddy’s room, Jason let himself in and saw Freddy staring at the two pictures that Jason had mounted on the wall. The one on the left had a bloodsoaked Ash with his arm wrapped around a babe and his chainsaw raised to the sky in victory as Jason stood in the background with his arms severed and his face mangled from Ash’s shotgun. ‘Better luck next time, Hockeypuck!’-Ash’ was written on the picture itself. The other one had Michael Myers standing shoulder to shoulder with his fellow mute killer. His head had been partially crushed with brain matter leaking out from the sides and his eyeballs poking out. Jason for his part was covered in stab wounds and had Michael’s knife poking out through the top of his head. 

“You were one of the greats back in the day, y’know? You managed to get a fight in the back issues! How many people can say that??” Freddy asked as he turned to face Jason who seemed to mull over the question before giving a concise answer. 

(‘Quite a few actually. I only had two and I lost one of them. By a country mile.’) 

“Yeah but it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s about popularity! I haven’t had a movie since the 90s! But you’ve still got people who know I am and I even fought a guy from Star Wars on here! Star...Whatever his name was! The point is that we’re strapped for cash and ever since things have started popping off around here again, I think it might be time you and I step back in the ring, you get me?” 

A head tilt was the only reply he got.

“I’m not talking about you and me! Though, heh, we’d know who’d win that one-” 

“Me” (‘Me.’)

….

The two killers looked off to the side and Jason silently coughed. 

“...Anyway. I had something of an idea. Take these pictures down to the office and ask for a fight. If the people want you and me to tear eachother limb from limb? We’ll do it, nothing keeps us down for long anyway. It’s about the only shot we’ve got left. If this doesn’t pan out? We’ll end up like that poor schmuck.” Pulling open the blinds, Freddy pointed out the window at a man with a lean frame wearing a ragged blue jumpsuit with dried blood caking the tears in it. Strapped to his chest was a sign reading: ‘WILL KILL YOU FOR CASH.’ Maybe it was the jumpsuit or the hockey mask that strongly resembled  Jason’s own apart from the blue chevrons instead of the iconic red but that man felt oddly familiar.*

“So, will you do it, wormfood?” 

Jason grabbed the picture frames off the wall and stared at them. They were memories from an age long since passed. When people flocked to pit characters like him against just about anybody by the dozens. He missed them but even if he hated to admit it, Freddy was right about this. This may have been their only shot at keeping their house. 

(‘I’ll do it!’) 

~~~

“Denied. Apologies, Mr. Voorhees.” 

(‘Mr. Voorhees was my father’s name. Just call me Jason.’) 

The office that Jason had wandered off to looked like it hadn’t been used for quite some time. The paint was chipping off the walls, the tiles were cracked and chipped, and Jason was sure he’d seen a rat or two wander on by. With the resurgence that seemed to have been running through the districts, you’d think this place would have been less of a dump.  The person sitting behind the desk was nearly obscured by the absolute mountain of paperwork situated in front of her. 

“Well, Jason, after hearing what you’ve been going through, I’m afraid that it’s just not worth the risk of getting wrapped up in the lawsuit you spoke of. The lights have just come back on and the people working this office need to feed their families, not get mixed up in potential legal kerfuffles. I’m sorry.” 

(‘Nobody would have to know! It can be an under the table fight! I’ll hide the body once I’m done! I’ve got to fight or else I’m going to lose my home and this lawsuit’s preventing me from popping up just about everywhere! The last fight I had was against somebody from the….’) Jason’s frantic gesturing showed he was at a loss. 

‘Yusuke Urameshi from the anime district. You lost by over 11 votes, goodness gracious. I can’t imagine who thought that was a fair matchup at all.’ The office worker chided with a dismissive shake of the head. “I hear you, Jason. I wish there was something I could do, I really do. But the powers that be here in Khazan just think you’re too much of a liability. I’m truly sorry.” 

Jason’s shoulders slumped and in one last attempt to curry some kind of favor, he picked up Sadako and held her to the viewing window where the office worker quickly ducked under her desk. “I-I know things have been quiet until very recently, Jason, but I know everyone registered very well! You keep that one away from me! Seven days waiting to die is not how I wanna go out!” 

Jason set Sadako back down. 

(‘Sorry. I tried.’)

(‘Eh, it’s ok. Thanks anyway.’) 

He couldn’t say things were going to be fine because they weren’t. That lawsuit’s reach had pervaded even into the depths of Khazan. It wasn’t enough that they’d stopped everyone else from enjoying more content with him in it but they were actively stepping on his livelihood. Handing his pictures down to Sadako, Jason exhaled. Looks like they were going to have to start packing-

*CRASH*

The doors were flung wide open and a body came sailing through the parted doors. His mask flew off and skidded across the floor before stopping at Jason’s feet. Although Jason couldn’t recognize the very clearly human face underneath, covered in bruises and cuts, he remembered the mask and jumpsuit. This was the guy that Freddy and him had seen skulking around the neighborhood. ...What was his name again? Rory...No. Larrry….Nah. 

Ah, it was Ro-

“YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!” The one who’d left Roy in such a sorry state stepped in with his theme music blaring behind him. With both hands raised to the sky above, the mustachioed figure looked towards the downed killer and dragged his thumb across his neck. “Looks like you just couldn’t cut it against the Champ, chump! Can’t really blame ya! Who can stand up against the one...the only….” The man paused and coughed as a smaller man in a dapper looking suit rushed in beside him with microphone in hand. “MISSSSSSSTEEEEEEER SATAAAAAAAAAAN!!! KHAZAN’S NUMBER ONE CHAMPION HAS JUST DEFEATED THE VILE COPYCAT KILLER, ROOOOOOOOYYYYY BUUUUUUURRRRRNSSSSS! Coming to you live from one of Khazan’s many offices is none other than Jimmy Firecracker, hotshot reporter and the one with the real scoop! Mr. Satan! How would you describe your comeback to the fans out there?” 

“Heh, well Jimmy, it’s like this. Back before everything went all dark and all the chumps and cowards ran away, they had me fighting big green monsters, little kids, and punks who didn’t deserve to step in the ring with yours truly! Now that I’m back in business, I’m taking on all comers...If they’re not too scared! Bwahahahaha!”

(‘He’s loud.’) Sadako signed. 

(‘He is. He also beat up this guy that kinda looks like me…’) Mother always said imitation was the sincerest form of flattery. This guy was loud and annoying if Jason was being honest. Lucky for him, the officer worker felt the same way. She’d been the one who’d monitored the ‘fight’ that a certain incarnation of the Hulk had with this blowhard. It was less of a battle and more of a pity that people actually wasted their time coming out to see it. “...Jason, do you remember what I said about the higher ups not approving of you fighting?” 

(‘Yes?’)

“...Well, if you just so happened to get rid of this bozo and I happened to lose some money proportionate to what you’d win if this were a official fight...Well, who’s gonna complain?” The worker murmured as she slowly turned around in her chair with a sly smirk. Jason wasn’t the brightest undead monster around. He’d be the first one to admit it too. But he’d gotten the message hook line and sinker. Defeating this guy was going to be the first step to getting the money he needed. 

“My my, Mr. Satan would you look at that!? It’s none other than the Crystal Lake killer himself: Jason Voorhees! I believe he’s coming to challenge you! You’ve bested the fake, the world wants to know if you can beat the real deal!” Jimmy exclaimed as Satan brushed off Jason as though he was broccoli he didn’t order. “Heh, Jimmy, if you knew your opponents like I do, then you’d know that guys like big tall and ugly here? They don’t got much going on upstairs if you know what I’m saying. If this guy wants a lesson from the champ, he’ll-” 

Jason backhanded him across the room destroying a bench in the process. 

“EEEEEEK!!! M-MR. SATAN, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!” 

Picking himself up from the pile of wood and metal, he stomped his foot as a comically sized bump appeared atop his head. “Ow...H-Hey! You could have given me a headsup like a r-real warrior! Oh geez that really stung…” Beating up Roy hadn’t been anything too crazy. It was just some nut with a knife that’s all. But this guy here smelled like roadkill that’d been dumped in the ocean and he hit like a ton of bricks. Normally, this is where he’d have feigned a stomach cramp or some other ailment. But with Jimmy’s lackey filming the proceedings, he just didn’t have that option! He’d go down as a coward if he backed down now! 

Oh man….

He’d just have to bite the bullet! 

“Hahahaha, you think that hurt?? Why don’t you come over here, ugly, and give me your best shot! If you think you’re ready for me!” 

((So, there you have it! Hope it wasn’t too long of a read! Tried to flesh out this version of Jason’s motivations a bit and give Hercule/Satan the comedic flair we know and love him for. It’s not a fight to the death despite what a character like Jason might have you think. It’s to K.O. or submission/surrender. Also I left little * around some of my posts to help frame some of the references I sprinkled throughout!))

*Freddy attacking Jason through his dreams in FVJ

*Freddy using the Necronomicon to boost Jason’s intelligence in FVJVSAsh. 

*Roy Burns AKA The Copycat Killer from Friday Part 5. 

*Scissormen was the antagonist from the Clocktower series of horror games!
 

[Callisto]

Learn More About
Jason Voorhees
Read more about Jason Voorhees at Wikipedia
Official Site: Newline Cinema Links: Wiki - Jason Voorhees Camp Blood Friday the 13th - The Website

Mr. Hercule Satan
Read more about Mr. Hercule Satan at Wikipedia
Official Site: Shounen Jump Links: Wikipedia Dragonball Wiki absolute anime

[AVP vs The Terminator]

Hahaha, Jason lamenting his back issues losses is hilarious. Good job man.

Satan beats Jason's ass. It's a hilarious mental image but the dude's legit when he's not being upstaged by the Z Fighters, look at this guy.

I know he gets shot but still! He moves faster than that guy can see!

[SSJRuss]

No worries about length, I enjoyed every bit of this. Bravo, sir.

I really liked the Khazan background/setting and I loved Jason's characterization. I want to see more of him.

That being said, Mr. Satan wins. He is faster and hits just as hard as Jason, if not harder.

 

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

RATINGS SCORE: 4.75
0 regular members rated the match.
4 CBUB Match Judges rated the match.

MATCH SCORE
Jason Voorhees: 4
Mr. Hercule Satan: 12

[SSJRuss]

Poor Jason. Hopefully he can pick himself up from the loss and find himself in more matches.

[DSkillz]

I see you've still got it, ND.  Sorry about not commenting on this match before it wrapped.

Yeah, Mr. Satan won this one, and deservedly so. If teens can outsmart Jason in every film, then Mr. Satan could definitely do some damage.