Match 9205 Devil Monkey vs. Jesus (The Godyssey)

[Guest callisto]

He came in many forms, went by many names, and had many calling cards. Too many for most to keep up with. Most didn't even bother, pushing him out of place and out of mind, due to sheer unbelief, denial or faith in protection from him. It did little good though. The unbelievers, they didn't have to believe it was the devil that stalked them. They just needed to know it was bad. To those in denial, who just believed it to be some kind of undocumented animal, it was the worst thing to ever come out of nature. To the faithful, their souls would know the joy of paradise, but their bodies would know the pain of death because sin still needed punishment, repentance or not. Standing in the valley of the apocalypse however was one man who had all of the devil's tricks memorized, not that he really needed to. He could see right through them all even with his eyelids down, but couldn't help but remember. To the short lived, the devil's powers seemed unlimited. To the everlasting, he seemed like a tv show in re-runs. "I remember, our first formal meeting, son of man." the Devil addressed him."Yes through that time in the wilderness, the temptations." Jesus answered. "Make food from stones, as if I would be worried about a temporary body I could sustain eternally with no more than my will if I chose. Call the angels who are beneath me? You'd offer me all the kingdoms under the sun, even though they are already mine." "No, you're wrong!" The Devil snapped! "This is my world! Mine! Your father let me stay here! If I can't be in paradise I should at least have one island home in all the vastness of space!" "My father allowed you to believe so, but never declared it. And you were never content to just have Earth." Jesus said, before the scene went to a flashback.--------It was the first year before AD. Year Zero or Year One depending on which historian you talked to.Jesus could tolerate the taunts of the Romans, and the Jews. They knew not what they were doing. When the 'gods' of Olympus thought to openly taunt him however, Jesus could no longer stay on his cross. His descent was swift and his punishment was swift. Still, he was not completely merciless. It made no sense why they would do such a thing. No, he would lay the true punishment on the perpetrator."Come face me Satan!" he quietly but assertively said. The voice of the devil was in the wind as it swirled around the son of man. "No, I will not dirty my hands on this day." the winds gathered into one place and took the form of a purple humanoid who looked suspiciously like Devil Kazuya from Tekken. "But he will face you. My greatest servant on Earth, a testament to the weakness of man! He will kill you here, the sacrifice of your life will therefore be incomplete, and man will have to live with his sin forever! Muhahahaha!" "NEVER!" Jesus defiantly yelled.----------"Yeah, you won that fight pretty handily." the Devil admitted. "You were in human form. My kids were bold enough to talk to you then, I thought surely the idols of man could defeat you. Then I tried to do my empowered man thing. No I wasn't just happy to have Earth, I wanted to make man suffer! I had been a scape goat for so long, it had to be by man's hand that he was denied redemption!" The Devil ranted. "But you have laid your hands on me, and still failed." Jesus reminded him. "Yeah, you consented to that, you called me!" The Devil argued. "It was for charity." Jesus justified. "I was proving you were capable of doing good Satan."------------It was now in Madison Square Garden, 2007."Only Wrestlemania could bring you a spectacle as big as Jesus Christ vs The Devil." Jim Ross bellowed from the announcing table. "Will good overcome evil? Or will evil prevail because good is dumb?" His partner Jerry Lawler joked.------------"Psh, I only agreed to donate if I lost. I was going to get Hulk Hogan's soul if I won. That goody 'train hard, eat your vitamins, say your prayers, be true to you country', you ruined it! Satan helped end global warming read the papers!" the Devil stopped to catch his breath then went on. "Its your fault people call me Satan you know, knowing damn well Satan is a choir of angels I haven't been a part of since I fell. Lucifer? You were once called Lucifer too. I was an angel! A flashlight could be a Lucifer! The Muslims think I'm some kind of Dijinni! "Even the Jews who worshiped the longest mistake me for that nothing Samael sometimes! And stealing souls, I never even got to do that even though everyone claims I do it all the time, Hulk Hogan was my chance, you ruined it! I'll never forgive that!" The Devil panted."But did you ever stop to think why I would still call you Satan?" Jesus asked. "Did you ever think why I would show you could still do good, and prevent you from taking a soul?" The Devil scratched his chin in thought, then looked horrified. "You mean you want me to repent? You want me to become a Satan again? You want me to fly around the with the Ophanim singing praises to his most high!" "It took you 2012 years to understand Satan, but its not too late." Jesus said. "Nonononono, I won't sing the lord's praises while man still walks around with woman spreading nasty juices all over my precious planet! Get rid of man and maybe I'll come back. I've got all kinds of ideas for replacements." The Devil deviously grinned."Man was made in the image of God, and woman in the image of man and therefore also in God's. One cannot love God without loving man!" "But the image is flawed, its like a reflection in a glass of water outside on a rainy day!" The Devil argued. Jesus sighed. "Satan, your time is slipping away. We stand in Megiddo. If you do not repent here then the apocalypse will come. The Earth you love so much more than its inhabitants will be destroyed and you will be tossed into a river of fire, and then sufferer with all the other unrepentant angels in the bottomless pit when the flames have finished with you." The Devil thought it over, he really didn't want to spend the rest of eternity in the bottomless pit, but if he kept rebelling, that meant more human souls would likely end up in hell. Sure, it wasn't much but..."Hey Jesus, a lot of people actually think I have some sort of power over hell. Can I get that for real, and like be a hell boss?" he asked. "No." was Jesus's answer. >

[Buzz Line]

Just the facts.

 

*Revelation reveals that there is a bottomless pit in some part of creation that imprisons great evil. Since the Devil was not banished there, this implies he may not be the greatest evil to ever exist. Dinosaur comics depict the Devil as a small time loser.

 

*Satan was originally a general term in Hebrew for prosecuting attorney. It was only later that the term became associated with evil. Some scholars believe Satan is actually God's lawyer and the two play good cop bad cop on the whole universe. Others believe that being a lawyer is an inherently evil profession and that the name became associated with the devil to reflect this.

 

*Satan does not rule Hell according to the scriptures of Abraham's religions and any time he spends there is just as much punishment for him as it is for a human soul.

 

*Lucifer was originally a general term for people who seemed to glow. It was only later it became a term associated mostly with the Devil.

 

*There are about five billions different names and physical descriptions for the Devil across many different cultures. He was once played by Julie Newmar.

 

*Unlike Christianity, Islam believes that the Devil is a Dijinni, those things that come out of lamps, and not a fallen angel. They also believe God will forgive him eventually.

 

*Mark Twain once said that the Devil needed our prayers more than anyone.

 

Can Rob Liefeld's version of Jesus make the Devil repent? Vote!

[Guest mygod3]

Jesus wins this easily.

[jesus20456]

I win... i mean, go jesus! namejokes aside though,the monkey seems cooler.

[Marvel Man]

What did I just read?! This set up belongs in a theological magazine, not the CBUB. I mean, I really enjoyed your point of view, but an "It's Good" doesn't do it justice. Still, that's what I'll give you.

 

As for the match, I always bet on Jesus.

 

MARVANOTE: This match title is hilarious.

[DSkillz]

Great and unique set-up, Buzz Line. Unique spin on the ages-old battles between the son of God and the fallen angel. I'm surprised, though, that this match isn't getting more comments; maybe it's a bit too deep for some here.

 

As for the match, well, we all know the world's ending next year anyway, so, f**k it, I'm going to say the Devil wins this final round.

 

Joke, joke, lol. Jesus all the way.

 

Are you sure you're new to EF, lol? I don't think I've seen a bad match from you yet.