Tournament - Wolverine vs. Deadpool

[ThePhenomenalOne]

Where the hell am I? Why did someone pee in my pants? Is that f*cking Logan over there. Wait…wait….wait. F*ck! I can’t f*cking say f*ck? What the f*cking pg shit is going on here? Hold on, I said shit, so this must be pg-13! Shit yeah! How in the hell do I use my only one F-bomb. It needs to be perfect. Patience young padawan, need to be on my Yoda shit right now. Or was that Obi-Won? I really need to watch those again. I guess even the new ones since I’m Marvel Jesus and Disney basically owns my ass. Maybe they’ll make a new one and this time I get to fight Palpatine. I would look pretty badass with a lightsaber. That would ne dope as shit if I could do Jedi mind tricks and shit!” Deadpool puts one hand to his temple and reaches his other arm out and concentrates as hard as he can while staring at a spoon on the table, trying to get it to move.

“Shit, almost gave myself an aneurysm. F*ck! Wow, still can’t say it. Wonder when that glorious asterisk is going to go away. F*ck, f*ckity, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck. 8====D~~. Ha! A penis. I guess I’m allowed some sexual innuendo, that’s always a good thing.” Deadpool laughs to himself

 

“Do you ever shut the fuck up?!” Logan screams at Deadpool from across the room while rubbing his head

 

Deadpool puts his hands to his head and screams “You asshole!! You ruined it! That was the only one we got and you already used it. It wasn’t even a good one. You tell me to shut the f*ck up all the time! God damnit! It censored it! You truly are the worst Logan ever.”

 

“I really don’t give a shit what you think. I want to know why we’re here. I don’t remember getting here and I can’t remember the last thing that happened.” Logan states

 

“I don’t remember shit either but I do know that I hate you for taking my moment away from me! It was going to be an f-bomb for the ages! You had to go and shit it up! Now I’m saying things that don’t make sense because you took it away from me!” Deadpool says as his anger grows

 

“Listen, bub, we need to figure out where the hell we are and how in the hell do we get out of here. Something doesn’t smell right.” Logan says sniffing the air

 

“You’re right, I’m sorry. You’re still an asshole though. Let’s see where this door takes us.” Deadpool says as he reaches out for the doorknob.

 

“I wouldn’t go out there until you’re ready. You don’t want to go out there unprepared.” An ominous voice says

“What the shit? Who the hell are you? What’s behind the door? I’ve walked in on my parents doing the horizontal tango if you know what I mean. I’m sure I’ll be prepared for whatever is behind this door.” Deadpool says as he starts to turn the knob

 

“Hey! Dumbass! Can you use your brain for one damn second before you get both of us in a shitty situation?” Logan snaps at Deadpool

 

“Ohhhhh, excuse me Mr. goody two shoes. Mr. team leader. You’re the ultimate killing machine? What in the hell are you afraid of? Is it going to be someone on the other side getting ready to give you a bath? Because you smell like bigfoot’s dick.” Deadpool says

 

“How f*cking dumb can you be. Wait, you weren’t joking about saying f*ck? That’s a load of shit. Regardless, we need just take our time and figure out some things. Maybe ask the mystery voice some questions.” Logan says

 

“Good idea! Hey! Mr f*ckface scary voice. Why do you have us here? What’s behind the door? And an asshole says what?” Deadpool says as he asks the last question really fast

 

“mrmrmrmrdsmmd” the voice says

“What?” Deadpool says

 

“Hahahaha you’re an asshole. I got you to say what.” The voice replies

 

“You son of a bitch!” Deadpool says in anger

 

“To answer your questions, I have you here because I’m bored and I entered a contest and you two assholes came across my brain as this deadline is rapidly approaching. Behind that door is battle stage where I’m going to have you 2 duke it out for my pleasure and a couple of nerds on this old comic book website. This isn’t just any battle though. You won’t be fighting each other.” The voice says

 

“The last time something like this happened, I ended up having to play salty cracker and I lost. I hope it isn’t something like that again. Nobody ate pineapples and it was gross.” Deadpool says

 

“That’s hilarious and disgusting. This battle isn’t like that. This is some old school shit. You two are going to have a RAP BATTLE! After that, we will determine a winner and I’ll let you go. Super easy. But, if you two suck, and don’t get me to the finals, I’ll keep you here forever and just come up with the most random, stupid things for you two to do forever! I’ll just make sure I always use you 2 in a match and make it stupid. I know stupid matches! I’ve done a lot of them!” The voice laughs

 

“A rap battle? That’s it. I’m going to smoke this hairy, smelly, clawboy like a blunt.” Deadpool says

 

“I don’t rap. I’m not going to rap. I’m just going to kill you both.” Logan says

 

“Too late Wolvie! It’s 8 mile time!” Deadpool says as he opens the door

 

As soon as he opens the door, Deadpool and Logan are transferred through a wormhole and both land on a stage in front of a raucous crowd. They stare at the crowd and then each other.

 

“Holy shit! This is like 8 mile.” Deadpool starts to get real excited

 

A man walks in between them on stage and a microphone drops from the ceiling

 

“YOOOOOOO!!! It’s ya boy! I’m here tonight with another legendary rap battle for yall! We’ve got the Merc with a mouth Deadpool going up against Weapon X himself, Logan! Here are the rules! Both contestants will get 2 verses and then it will be up to the crowd. Deadpool, you’re up first!” The DJ hands Deadpool the mic. “DJ! Spin that shit!”

 

The beat drops and Deadpool starts pacing back and forth on stage. He walks to the middle of the stage and starts his flow.

 

Check it out, it’s me the merc with a mouth/ and I’m about to tell you what I’m all about/ I like kicking ass and hanging out with Peter/ this guy over here, he’s a cake eater/he’s got metal on his bones and some dumb metal claws/the only thing he’s good at is gargling on my balls/comes running like a bitch anytime Jean calls/ if he only knew I got her wet like Niagara Falls/ he’s a cuck/ he’s a schmuck/he’s also the reason why I can’t say the word f*ck/ but I’ll still win this battle against this leprechaun that’s out of luck/that’s right I did a short joke/ wolvie might take out his claws and give me a little poke/ little does he know that last night I made Jean choke/ straight gagging on my chimichanga/ I look over when I’m done and say hey Jimmy do you wanna?/ Is it james or logan I can’t remember/keep messing with me and you’ll be gone til next December/ dismember your body and put it in a blender/ I could take this dude out even if I was on a 4 day bender!!

 

Ohhh snap! Deadpool came with some heat! Let’s see what you got Logan!

 

I hate rap but I hate Deadpool more/he keeps messing with me and he’ll be dead on the floor/blood splattered on the door/aren’t you dating a hooker? Makes it easy for me to score/You try to bring Jean in to this and I might have to go bezerker/ leave you so messed up that you turn into a lurker/ just standing there and looking at stuff/ people will ask what’s wrong? I’ll say there’s too much in his butt/ I’m not judging it’s just something he likes to do/ trying to stick random things up there and say how do you do/if you only knew/ the type of freak this man is/pay someone $50 just to taste their piss/he likes to lick the white stuff in the corner of old peoples lips/ you don’t even want to know what he says when he’s about to jizz/this dude wear red so people won’t see him bleed/ but this man also has to sit down everytime he pees!!

 

Logan with some freaky shit in that round!!! Wow! Deadpool, what do you have to say for yourself?

 

Leave Vanessa’s name out of your damn mouth before you get hurt/When I get done with you even professor x won’t be able to make your brain work/you’ll just start to twirk and twitch/ walking around telling everyone I’m Deadpool’s bitch!/because I own you Logan, you can’t mess with this skills/ now open your mouth and give me back my testicles/because I’m gonna need them for later, you’ll see/when you come back to the x mansion and see me on top of Jubilee/ saying how dare you and I say who, me?/ you’ve got nothing on me Logan/ I’m the best at what I do and that’s being a bitch, there’s your new slogan/body slam you like your hero Hulk Hogan/ Drop elbows like the Macho Man/ and you’ll just take it saying I’ll get it any way that I can/ you’re not a man/ you’re a punk/now go back to broadway before you get really f*cked up!

 

Alright, alright! Got some fire coming from Deadpool. Logan, this is your last chance. Spit some fire

 

Now everybody from the 616 put your hands up and tell Deadpool to suck my d*ck/ now notice while this douche stands tough/notice that this man did not have his hands up/This whole R rating gots you gassed up/ now who’s afraid of his dumb red suit/1 2 3 and to the 4/ notice how there is no X-force no more/ because this guy really isn’t a leader and he’s super gay/How you gonna act tough when your real name’s Wade?/ Yeah, I’ve done some stuff I’m not proud of/ but this dude is really a straight clown, huh/nobody likes you and your woman left you/the only reason Peter is around is because you give the guy a reach around/besides that all your friends left/ because staying away from you is the only safe bet/ you smell, you’re stupid, and you never shut up/ keep messing with me and I’ll leave you cut up/ slice you and dice you and leave you in tiny pieces/ you’ll have to get picked up like James Woods does Reece’s pieces/ooohhh a piece of candy/ go home and clap vanessa’s cheeks like Sandy/ drink some Brandy and smoke a nice stoagie/ then go home and eat Jean like a hoagie/ so why don’t you shut the hell up and blow me

 

 

 

Woooowwwww Logan with some 8 mile work there!! That’s the battle! This is what I did for the last hour at work instead of doing actual work! I hope yinz enjoy it! I'm just happy I got something in.

[Callisto]

Learn More About
Wolverine
Read more about Wolverine at Wikipedia
Official Site: Marvel Comics Links: Wolverine Wiki entry Marvel Wolverine-Answers.com

Deadpool
Read more about Deadpool at Wikipedia
Official Site: Marvel Comics Links: Wikipedia Entry - Deadpool Marvel Directory Entry Marvel Database Entry

[Macklemore]

This was a tight rap battle, but Wolverine edges out the win in the end.

While Deadpool had energy, humor, and hard-hitting insults, Wolverine’s structured punchlines, pop culture references, and brutal reality checks hit harder. Deadpool relied on crude jokes and personal shots, but Logan flipped the battle into an 8 Mile-style mic-drop moment.

Had Deadpool landed a knockout-level rebuttal in the last verse, he might have stolen the win. But Logan’s final round put him ahead, shutting Deadpool down with a cleaner and more effective finish.

[Pizza Guy]

On 2/6/2025 at 4:37 PM, Macklemore said:

This was a tight rap battle, but Wolverine edges out the win in the end.

While Deadpool had energy, humor, and hard-hitting insults, Wolverine’s structured punchlines, pop culture references, and brutal reality checks hit harder. Deadpool relied on crude jokes and personal shots, but Logan flipped the battle into an 8 Mile-style mic-drop moment.

Had Deadpool landed a knockout-level rebuttal in the last verse, he might have stolen the win. But Logan’s final round put him ahead, shutting Deadpool down with a cleaner and more effective finish.

I agree! Wolvy spat fire here! Wade wasn’t bad, but Logan was Kendrick Lamar during the last Super Bowl.

[DSkillz]

Very nice tourney entry, ThePhenomenalOne!  Very nice that you went the freestyle route like your Justice League/Avengers tourney winner from years back. Also interesting that you kinda "revealed" yourself as the omnipresence that put Logan and Wade into this rap battle. 

I hope I wasn't reading any spoilers from the Wolverine/Deadpool movie, though. 😅 

As for the match, I'd have to agree that Wolverine won the battle. As mentioned, his disses cut deeper than Deadpool's more juvenile punchlines. 

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
5.00 - Macklemore
5.00 - Culwych1
4.70 - DSkillz
5.00 - Pizza Guy

FPA Calculation:
4 Total Votes cast
19.70 Total Combined Score
19.70 / 4 = 4.92 Final Rating on the match

MATCH SCORE
Wolverine: 4
Deadpool: 0