Chance LeMont

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

Name

 

Chance LeMont

 

Pic

 

 

 

OOC

 

Chance is the ideal killer, detached from emotions and his victims. Passionate only about his craft. He is a collection of my favorite ficitional assassins. But he is conflicted, the true strikes of his blade, betray the person that lurks deep within him.

 

 

Personality

 

Chance endlessly chases perfection. It is his obsession; spurred on every since his first very messy kill which has left him tramatically scarred for life. His life is cloaked in a mystery that even he is trying to unravel everyday. Yet, the very answers he seeks brings an emotion he rarely feels......fear.

 

While it's true he is a heartless assassin. It is also true that his dedication to his craft can be called his true love. Discipline and honor dictate his every calculated movement. He has killed only thrice out of anger alone. But has vowed never to leave "Daggers at my back...." meaning he will never leave an enemy behind. He was born in a slum filled desertland of Syriana and crawled his way through the ranks of the ruthless thieves guilds. Now widely called "The most dangerous man in the southern hemisphere" (next to Unknown) he's found pride in becoming the best. His horrible childhood, the hate for the weak and powerless, (mainly because this was once him.....)has molded him into the perfect killer.

 

Contrary to most killers in his trade, Chance secretly considered himself a noble person. He is very handsome, clean-cut, and finely dressed. Wealth is of no concern to him. He wants only RESPECT for the dedication and time he's put into his craft. Most who hear his name terrible as his works read like a mythical legend. He loves the way his deeds are sung by the bards and whispered in the streets. Yet and still he believes arrogance is for fools and gods. He is his own worst critic as each kill he believes could be better and quicker. Still his confidence, will power, and overall control is almost superhuman.

 

 

Fictional Character Biography

 

The city of Syriana was a haven for rogues, mercenaries, killers, and rapist. The city sat surrounded on all sides by three larger, wealthy, trade cities. Syriana served as the perfect place for the the three larger cities poor and abandoned. The thieves guilds of Syriana sprouted huge towers into the skies of the middle eastern city and the greedy guild lords profited greatly. Mostly due to the prostitution and slave trades of the city.

 

Chance was born to Tessiel Ravenseye. A beautiful half-elf from the Moon Elves of Eldenhaven, she was shunned and cast out by the other elves because of her human heritage. She was soon taken in and began to travel with a elder merchant named Heismel Granger. Heismel was a fat, cunning and often crude businessman with powerful connections......and moreover.....many debts to these connections. After constantly refusing the sexual advances of piggish merchant, Heismel was fed up with the wench and decided he'd use the beautiful half breed as payment for a debt to his most dangerous associate. She was sold to the most powerful guild lord in Syriana, a man simply called "Unknown". It was rumored that the guild lord was a Shadow Balor from the nine hells in the guise of a human man. No one really believed or knew if this was true. Mainly because no one ever saw him......ever! The Guild of Deep Slumber was the most reputatable and respected of the guilds in all the region and the guild's lord ruled Syriana like a prince from the comfort of the shadows. Only the nobles and diplomats really knew the power of the guild's reach. Enchanted by the beauty of Tess he instantly took her to be his mistress.

 

Corrupted by greed and more power soon Cyrica and Larissa, the Mistresses of the other two competeing thieves guilds, allied to bring down the mighty Guild of Deep Slumber. A secret war was waged and assassins from rival guilds killed each other in hopes to gain supremcy of Syriana. Unknown's guild was at the very most just tested. Still the surrounding heads of the surrounding three cities were forced into action as the war was spilling over into their beautiful streets. Emissaries were sent to the three guilds with threats of eradication if the war did not cease. Feeling pressured and just down right tired of Syriana politics, Unknown agree to be exiled for a murder he ordered, of a noble of royal kinship. He appointed Cardel Quesenveil his temporary replacement.

 

Within months after the exile of Unknown, Tess was sold into prostitution. She was six months pregnant with Chance when she was considered no longer fit for prostitution and sent into the diamond mines. Here she was beaten and kicked daily by the "taskmasters". One particularly cruel taskmaster was known as Creel the Crude! Creel was a giant amongst men standing all of 6' 10" bulging with muscles and sporting a rotten-tooth mouth smirk at all times. Tess hated Creel more than anything she ever had in her life. The way he beat and molested her body......Everyday she prayed someone would kill the brutish beast.

 

Chance was born and raised a slave in the Syriana diamond mines. He was a tall, wiry, boy with deep black eyes. He was handsome but the dirt along with the pain etched in his face concealed this fact. Chance often watched Creel as he grabbed his mother and pulled to his chambers by her hair. Tess was beautiful still but she was a broken shell of her former self. She had become numb to the abuse. Even numb to her own son. She couldn't even look Chance in his eyes. Instead of loving him, nuturing him, protecting him, she beat him and neglected him. He too was numb to the pain, even at the innocent age of ten he understood well life's hardships. If he ever forgot, Creel was there to remind him everyday kicking him and screaming how weak and pathetic he was.

 

Chance hated Creel, and his mother, almost as much as he hated his own horrible existence. He was so weak! Creel had told him so. He had no power to stop the rapes and beating him and his mom both recieved from the piggish oaf. It was at that very young age Chance decided to stop being a victim!!!!

 

On the many cliffs of the diamond mines; hundreds of tents and wooden shacks stood strewn randomly across it's surfaces. Chance sat on a boulder one night eyeing his own rickety shack in deep contemplation. It wasn't long before Creel's head peaked out the dusty blanket acting as the shacks door. The action stirred Chance from his thoughts. Creel walked from the shack and rounded the corner leading to his own tent. Though it was well into the night Chance thought he could make out the rotten smirk on the sadistic man's face. Once the image vanished from his mind, Chance slowly and deliberately walked into his shack. There laid Tess sleeping in the pile dirty blankets on the floor. Chance stood over her and produced a dull knife from his pocket. Softly he moved the hair from his mothers face. She was indeed beautiful he thought as he paused to consider his actions.

 

At that moment Tess eyes opened to see her son standing over her, knife in his hand. For a moment Chance felt a sick feeling in the pit of his gut. But that was weakness. The Knife came down fast puncturing the jugular vein in Tess' neck. Blood sprayed into the boy's face as his mother kicked him into the near by wall. She fought, grabbing at her wound and struggling to her feet. Chance leaped to his feet with the agility of his mother's elven ancestors. He jumped upon her back and jabbed the small blade countless times into his mothers back and neck. Blood spewed all over him. The sudden realization of his mother fighting for her life surprised him. The thought of his mother wanting to live her horribly weak life infuriated him beyond control and tears burst from his eyes as he stabbed the life from her body......

 

Chance tried futiley to clean his mother's blood from his hands. Even to the point of scolding his hands with the boiling water. Still in his mind the blood never left. He cried some more. One last cry he thought, then he steeled himself and got ready for his next victim.

 

Creel's body was found the next morning. His head lay severed from his body and sat burning in the small tent's fireplace. The body was badly mutilated.

 

After the murders of his mother and Creel. Chance escaped the slave mines only to become homeless in the ravenous streets of Syriana. Chance thrived in these streets. Preying on the weak, stealing and robbing any mark he could. It wasn't long before he caught the attention of the Thieves Guilds. The three ruling guilds sent members to capture to rogue thief. It was a violation in any city to steal without paying tribute to the thieve guilds. This made absolutely no sense to the defiant youth who felt that if he did all the work then the spoils are all his.

 

After fighting and running from the guilds for three years Chance met Cardel. The man walked through the streets carefree and with a huge purse. He spent silver freely and Chance was surprised no one had already robbed and killed the fool. The thirteen year old waited queitly in the dark alley for the man to pass. It was not a long wait as Cardel passed the hidden youth. Chance jumped out his blade cutting the bounds of the purse and coming to rest at Cardel's neck in one fluent motion. Cardel laughed thoroughly impressed. Chance did not blink as the alley became crowded with thieves of the guild. Chance saw the roust for what it was. Cardel convinced Chance to lower his weapon and come with him peacefully.

 

Cardel, although impressed with the youth; as lord of the Guild of Slumber, had to delegate the kid's punishment. Ten lashes was the judgement. Again Cardel was impressed when the lashes were dealt and the proud youth refused to cry out in pain. Cardel was taken by the rebellous teen and began to mentor Chance in the way of the thief. The task was easy in the way Chance picked up techniques easily and was eager to learn. But in other ways it was hard because he was slow to trust anybody, even Cardel. Cardel understood that it made the kid a better thief but he thought of Chance as a son and he wished the boy felt the same way. At the age of sixteen Cardel sent Chance abroad to learn with the Monks of Bloods End. The monks where world renouned assassins, feared by all logical people. The monks only accepted the most talented youths.

 

Chance quickly became both the temple's most promising and troublesome student. After giving lashes and other excruciating punishments stopped working on the defiant Chance, Co, Grandmaster of the temple, banished him. Cardel was pleased to have the young man, now twenty, back in the halls of his guild. Chance continued to climb the ranks from the bottom up with no outside help from Cardel. He was an excellent thief but he strived to accomplish more. He was promoted to assassin soon a became the best in the city.

 

Cardel even became envious when Chance's name was getting credit the for all the guilds successes. Cardel could not deny that Chance was valuable to him. He was perfectly disciplined and detached of emotions. His peers both young and old respected his uncanny ablities with his swords. Still Chance himself felt the walls of the Guild restricting his growth. He left on his twenty-first birthday. Cardel distressed by the boy actions had no choice but to send assassins to kill Chance......The boy killed them all.

 

Later that year Cardell recieved the head of Co the grandmaster with a note that read...."Let me be. If my journey leads me back to your door I will accept it. But if you continue to pursue me with your half rate killers and spies.......Then, beware your shadow, for it may really be mines!" Cardell heeded the warning not from fear but because he really loved the boy.

 

Chance joined countless guilds all over the southern hemisphere honing his skills and becoming a legend. Now in his early thirties new questions about his past have resurfaced. He has started to demostrated abilities he never knew possible. First it was his unnatural tolerance for pain, the seeing in the dark of night, the incredible agility, the lightning quick reflexes. But recently he's developed the ability to blend in with shadows and also possess shadows to a small degree. Even to the point of killing a man with his own shadow.

 

With Unknown now out of exile the Guild of Slumbers' hunt for him has been renewed. Along with the question of who his real father is. It was first thought to be Creel but now Chance understands this is not so. Chance can't help but think the answer lies in the man known only as Unknown!!!!

 

 

Quick & Dirty Description

 

Chance LeMont despises the weak and unorganized. He's a assassin of great repute. Calculate to the very end. Always sharpley dressed, clean cut, and shaven, he is the very model of discipline. He is a perfectionist and strives to be the best assassin ever to have lived. He fancys himself a noble and conducts himself as a gentleman. Still he is quick to quell anything he deems foolishness with his blades. No one has ever bested him in a fight rather with blades or unarmed. He has vowed to never leave a enemy behind. He is completely detached of emotions.....Yet the nightmares of his mothers death hunt him!

 

 

Powers and Abilities

 

Chance has trained every muscle in his body to react in battle almost subconsciously. Due to his years of training with the Monks of Bloods End and combined with the Moon Elves blood of his mother's people; Chance is agile to unnatural proportions. Also he is able to see in absolute darkness. He is trained to make every part of his body a weapon. He's an excellent thief.

 

Lately he has developed abilites of shadow manipulations. These powers are new and strange to Chance; as such he rarely ever uses them. As he prefers to first perfect techniques before using them. So for, the powers allow him to meld into shadows and to possess the shadows of other people. In shadow form he can kill another shadow rendering that person dead and devoid of a soul. This is mainly due to his dagger Souls Bane.

 

 

Equipment

 

Chance's main weapon of choice is Souls Bane. Souls Bane is a sentient dagger with powers to shift into any sharp weapon. Although Chance prefers the short sword or dagger, Souls Bane has on occasion changed shape into a shuriken star. But the wicked, magical weapon's real power is the ability to capture soul's of it's victims in order to power itself. After a unknown amount of time the weapon must feed on a soul. Chance aquired the weapon from Grandmaster Co, after the weapon betrayed the old monk in battle against Chance. Choosing Chance to wield it's power in exchange for the many deaths Chance would provide it!

 

Chance also carries various poisons and sleep pills. A silken cord of unbreakable spider silk. And multiple daggers in his sleeves and boots.

 

He wears Mithril chain mail. Very hard, but as light as a silken shirt! Which he keeps hidden under his silk shirts!

[Guest Ivan]

Topic moved to appropriate board

[Skirmisher]

Looks great so far, though... I see some small problems.

 

• I would cut back on your use of the ellipse. You seem to go over board at times.
  
• The last sentience of the first paragraph seems wrong, maybe adding a comma would help.
  
• You forgot the 'n' in your description of his "Vow" ~ "meaning he will never leave an enemy behind."
  
• What he is called should include the "The" in it. It would seem Engrish if used in other sentences such as 'I think he's "Most dangerous man..."'
  
• Needs spacing after commas in last sentence of last paragraph in Personality.
  
• First Paragraph of Bio, Cities don't serve for peoples needs, they serve as people need them to. IMO of course.
  
• The mother Tessiel Ravenseye, was shunned not shonned.
  
• Para 3, Bio: "Still the surrounding heads of the surrounding three cities were forced into action" the Bio is in past tense right?
  
• Right after that "war was spilling over into their beautiful streets." 'Their' implies ownership, 'There' is direction.
  
• When you bring up Creel you should remove the 'in' here "One in particularly cruel taskmaster was known as Creel the Crude!"
  
• Para 14, Bio "He was an excellent thief, but he strived to accomplish more."
  
• Continuity Error: Para 15, Bio states that he left the guild at the age of 17, yet the previous para states that he returned from his "Monks of Bloods End Training" at the age of 20, before continuing through the guild to eventually leave at the age of 17...
  
• Quick & Dirty section: "he is very model of disciplined" Engrish...
  
• "trained every muscle in his body to reaction in battle almost subconsciously" I would cut the red out, makes it smoother and less engrish.
  
• Soul doesn't need an apostrophe to be plural.
  
• I also think that I missed some things here and there, but I doubt the others will miss them.
  

So far it's just minor stuff, but I've heard stories about how hard the FPLers are...

[treacherous]

I'm not going to get to concerned with grammar, since it is legible. There are mistakes, but a couple of proof-readings and you should catch them. As far as story goes, it's good. It's not OMGWTF!!, but it's a very good start since this is your first character. Looks like the FPL is going to be jumping on opening day. Exciting. I think the story read well enough, It could've stood to have a little more detail on his feats. You tell us plenty that he is the best this and the greatest that, but I'd like to read some feats detailing these events that lead up to him becoming this great. Some feats. Also, some parts seemed rushed to me. I don't know why, but they did. The story was long, but it just seemed rushed in parts. Maybe it was just me. Anyway good first start. The undercards are going to be quite the battle.

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

I'm not going to get to concerned with grammar, since it is legible. There are mistakes, but a couple of proof-readings and you should catch them. As far as story goes, it's good. It's not OMGWTF!!, but it's a very good start since this is your first character. Looks like the FPL is going to be jumping on opening day. Exciting. I think the story read well enough, It could've stood to have a little more detail on his feats. You tell us plenty that he is the best this and the greatest that, but I'd like to read some feats detailing these events that lead up to him becoming this great. Some feats. Also, some parts seemed rushed to me. I don't know why, but they did. The story was long, but it just seemed rushed in parts. Maybe it was just me. Anyway good first start. The undercards are going to be quite the battle.

 

 

Thanks Treacho. I totally agree with ALL your assements. It was in fact rushed. I had plenty more to share but I chose to concentrate mainly on Chance's history and mental state, those things which motivate him to be the best. I would've prefered to only dwell on his feats but I think it would have made him a rather shallow character.

 

But with that said, I do see room to improve greatly upon him. Skirmisher's grammer lessons and SilverSurfer092's character structuring lessons and advice have been beyond helpful to me. I value all opinons, even the rude or less articulated ones. I have atleast three more characters which have been living in my over active imagination for years. My wife encourages me to write novels but I am honestly way way way to rusty and unready for such a task.

 

This is where I feel FPL can help. Honning my grammar and character development skills. I look forward to writing better and becoming a FPL Hall of Famer. Yes I said it; cause it's a goal of mine. One I plan to attain before ever attempting a novel.

 

Treacho, again thanks for everything. You gave me the oppurtunity and set a fire under my otherwise lazy arse. The passion to write and write well is one I will not take for granted. Thanks CBUB and FPL!

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

Looks great so far, though... I see some small problems.

 

[*]I would cut back on your use of the ellipse. You seem to go over board at times.

 

Note: Ellipses may be annoying to some but it is my signature writing style. Writing is an art and as such each writer expresses a bit of himself in each draft. Well ellipses is my thing. Atleast until i'm tired of them!

[Guest Houdinimachine]

Note: Ellipses may be annoying to some but it is my signature writing style. Writing is an art and as such each writer expresses a bit of himself in each draft. Well ellipses is my thing. Atleast until i'm tired of them!

 

Overuse of punctuation is not a style. It's a crutch. You also lost me the moment you said the word, "elf."

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

Overuse of punctuation is not a style. It's a crutch. You also lost me the moment you said the word, "elf."

 

Wrong! Punctuation wrongly placed is a error......But punctuation used to create a writing style is call creative license. And if you don't like the genre style in which I choose to base my character on, get on your horse and keep it moving! Thanks!

[Guest Houdinimachine]

Wrong!

 

You'll go far with that attitude.

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

You'll go far with that attitude.

 

No offense intended. I was speaking my opinon bluntly as you gave yours. Truly I respect everyones opinon and critiques on here; yours included. Contrary of what you may think I value the time you took both to read and then even comment.

 

I only stated what I deem a logical solution to your disdain for my character's origin. I only read Forgotten Realms and TSR books, so my character exist in a like realm. I understand you my not like the genre. It's not for everyone, so I was saying that if this is not you cup-of-tea then you should move on to something more to you liking.

 

I have no quarrel with you at all. Quite the opposite. I'm delighted one read my works. Thanks buddy!

[Guest Rhekarid]

One of the most basic and important aspects of writing is to write in your character's voice, not write their words for them in your own. If writing a wikipedia-style presentation of information, there is no need for anyone's voice. If you're writing a biography or acting as narrator, then you can use your annoying voice. As a sidenote, something obviously intentional (phrases like "my thing" and "until I'm tired of it") is neither your voice nor you expressing yourself. It's pretension wrongly believed to be an improvement, i.e., a crutch.

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

One of the most basic and important aspects of writing is to write in your character's voice, not write their words for them in your own. If writing a wikipedia-style presentation of information, there is no need for anyone's voice. If you're writing a biography or acting as narrator, then you can use your annoying voice. As a sidenote, something obviously intentional (phrases like "my thing" and "until I'm tired of it") is neither your voice nor you expressing yourself. It's pretension wrongly believed to be an improvement, i.e., a crutch.

 

If my annoying voice bothers you keep it moving! Thanks for the critique. I need helpful advice and help structuring my character. Not insults to the way you don't like my writing style. Be positive productive or don't bother to comment!

 

I fully understand the difference between a helpful critique of my work or a mildly disguised slight. If you want to truly discuss what you dislike about my work let me know like a fellow collegue and peer. If you truly are trying to help I apologize but if you want to be petty and a prick I can lower my level to oblige you! Thanks.

[Landon]

I had difficulty reading the first few paragraph of your characters. It was literally a chore to read your writing due to the various punctuation errors. Because of this difficulty I was unable, and unwilling, to actually read and comprehend your ideas.

 

Essentially, you have not succeeded in communicating your ideas to me and to the others who have critiqued your use of elipses and other punctuation marks. If a "stylistic choice" is impeding the reading comprehenion of others, can you honestly say that the problem lies with the readers?

 

No one is expecting grammatical perfection. No one here is capable of that. What we're expecting is clear communication that makes sense. The truth of the matter is your "stylistic choices" get in the way of this clarity. If this is your intent, you've succeeded. Otherwise, you'll want to reassess your "style."

 

I used to feel the same way as you do back in high school. I had debates with teachers about grammar and punctuation and how I didn't feel I needed to adhere to these rules. Then I realized that my personal "style" was getting in the way of them understanding what I was trying to write. It took me awhile, but once I was in college I realized that I could easily develop my own style and voice WITHIN the paramaters of "proper" grammar, spelling, and punctuation. If anything, that voice and style IMPROVED once I got over my own silly biases.

 

So yeah, overuse and improper use of elipses and other punctuation marks? Bad idea.

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

I had difficulty reading the first few paragraph of your characters. It was literally a chore to read your writing due to the various punctuation errors. Because of this difficulty I was unable, and unwilling, to actually read and comprehend your ideas.

 

Essentially, you have not succeeded in communicating your ideas to me and to the others who have critiqued your use of elipses and other punctuation marks. If a "stylistic choice" is impeding the reading comprehenion of others, can you honestly say that the problem lies with the readers?

 

No one is expecting grammatical perfection. No one here is capable of that. What we're expecting is clear communication that makes sense. The truth of the matter is your "stylistic choices" get in the way of this clarity. If this is your intent, you've succeeded. Otherwise, you'll want to reassess your "style."

 

I used to feel the same way as you do back in high school. I had debates with teachers about grammar and punctuation and how I didn't feel I needed to adhere to these rules. Then I realized that my personal "style" was getting in the way of them understanding what I was trying to write. It took me awhile, but once I was in college I realized that I could easily develop my own style and voice WITHIN the paramaters of "proper" grammar, spelling, and punctuation. If anything, that voice and style IMPROVED once I got over my own silly biases.

 

So yeah, overuse and improper use of elipses and other punctuation marks? Bad idea.

 

 

Are you telling me that you did not understand my character sheet because my choice of ellipses....? Wow! Really? My character sheet was that much a confusing riddle?

 

So my sentence structure where incoherent. Damn and I put so much effort into a jumble unreadable character sheet! I've been to high school, been to college, and wrote papers in both, and never knew my writing and use of punctuation was such garbage. I guess I better scrap this character and start from scratch.

 

(I got to remember ellipses is a no-no. Makes everything nonsensical)

 

Thanks for the critique Houdinimachine, Rhekarid, Landon. I was wrong you guys right. Creative license is a crutch. And if another reader doesn't enjoy your writing creativity change it for their entertainment.

 

I swear guys my next one will be more to the proto-type of others on here.....(Uh oh ellipse again! Sorry) LOL

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

Uh-oh! Here comes the calvary!

[Landon]

That was probably my last attempt at analyzing and critiquing someone's writing at this website or any related website. Consider me officially retired from this bullshit. If someone like Artemis, who before this seemed to be a reasonable person, reacts in this way, I can only imagine how the more fanatical and illiterate CBUBers will behave once the FPL gets going. That'll learn me to give a damn.

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

That was probably my last attempt at analyzing and critiquing someone's writing at this website or any related website. Consider me officially retired from this bullshit. If someone like Artemis, who before this seemed to be a reasonable person, reacts in this way, I can only imagine how the more fanatical and illiterate CBUBers will behave once the FPL gets going. That'll learn me to give a damn.

 

Are you serious? Okay I was being a bit sarcastic. And a wise ass. But I am sorry truley. I really am reasonable. Well most times. I have my moments, like now! But you of all people should not let my behavior effect the help you do with these kids.

 

I was upset not from the critique; but rather the poorly disguised insults from Houdinimachine and Rhekarid. The "elf" comment and the "annoying voice" comments. So when you came along I was in a fighting mood. I as a man apologize. Not because you are upset but, rather, because I was wrong.

 

I've never had a problem with you before and I'm trying to be a respectable patron on this site. Your opinon along with other is valueable to me. So what I think your critique was overly harsh. Atleast you took time to critique and read my work.

 

The ellipse thing is dead. It was a joke to start. Yes a joke, believe it or not. I was going to comment later that I developed the bad habit of ellipses from internet social site texting. I was even going to Put a thread on this site titled: "Texting the death of modern writing." But I do admit my problem with grammar.

 

I just didn't thing it was as horrible as you stated. I mean not being able to even read my writing! Sheesh! It hurts but I'm tough skinned. I mean I was the leader of a L.A gang, for godsakes. But still I admit this FPL will challenge my resolve. Crap it all ready has....

 

But Landon I respect you immensely. Please don't ever let something I say irritate you like that again. Or I will leave. In fact if you don't accept my apology I will take my own advice and "Keep it moving," I need to spend more time with my family and at my comic store anyways.

[Guest Rhekarid]

I maintain no illusions of not being an ass. Ask anyone in the FPL, they'll tell you as much. But I do not "disguise" it, and I do not let it color any actual points I'm making. I seldom even bother if the person isn't asking for it in the first place...such as getting angry in response to criticism after posting on an analysis board. Dark, broody, mysterious characters are very cliche, and very popular with the average teenage crowd. That crowd then starts filling their own text with ellipses to so that their writing looks dark, broody, and mysterious. It gets annoying. Exclamation points are an important writing tool for intensifying dialogue, but using them too much is irritating and, quite simply, bad writing, much like dousing a dish in pepper is bad cooking. Ellipses work the same way. Overusing them is not a good form of style, and I said as much. So it was a joke? Then why get so defensive about them in the first place? Don't wear a shirt with a provocative image on it as a joke and then get mad because "for some reason" people are commenting on your shirt.

 

The FPL gets a lot of people, from the CBUB and elsewhere, who absolutely cannot handle criticism. Perhaps they're a bit spoiled, and have never had to deal with hearing "no." Perhaps they came from somewhere with very low writing standards, or with people too polite to give actual criticism, and heard nothing but positive reactions about how great their writing was. These people rarely make good writers, because if you cannot see your flaws, you can't improve on them. Often people in the FPL will present criticism that is harshly phrased right off the bat, as something of a test. If they throw a fit and leave in a huff to somewhere else where people will appreciate their brilliance, odds are quite good they wouldn't have been around for long regardless. If they can deal with it, odds are good they will be able to improve and become a solid member. The criticism may seem mean, but more often than not it is just honest with no padding, to hurry along the process of getting those who can't take it to leave and stop being annoying.

 

Do I seem like a short-tempered person who'd be quick to explode at criticism? You'd be wrong. My characters sucked when I started. You'll still never catch me calling my own stuff any good. My first character had a brief record; lost in the first match, fatalitied in the second. My next character got up to a mighty three wins. This was my best performance until my tenth character. A lot of the people in the FPL have been here for years. We've seen a lot of terrible, cliched characters. A 5 out of 10 "meh" character becomes a lot harder to tolerate the 200th time it comes around. Just as often, we see people react with anger to the idea that they have flaws to fix, and we do not miss those people after chasing them out with pitchforks. I'm not going to apologize for my phrasing, and I doubt the others will either. If you're serious about being a creative writer and about competing with others, serious about responses being "joking," then deal with the "poorly disguised insults" and improve. You'll find yourself seeing them a lot less often.

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

I maintain no illusions of not being an ass. Ask anyone in the FPL, they'll tell you as much. But I do not "disguise" it, and I do not let it color any actual points I'm making. I seldom even bother if the person isn't asking for it in the first place...such as getting angry in response to criticism after posting on an analysis board. Dark, broody, mysterious characters are very cliche, and very popular with the average teenage crowd. That crowd then starts filling their own text with ellipses to so that their writing looks dark, broody, and mysterious. It gets annoying. Exclamation points are an important writing tool for intensifying dialogue, but using them too much is irritating and, quite simply, bad writing, much like dousing a dish in pepper is bad cooking. Ellipses work the same way. Overusing them is not a good form of style, and I said as much. So it was a joke? Then why get so defensive about them in the first place? Don't wear a shirt with a provocative image on it as a joke and then get mad because "for some reason" people are commenting on your shirt.

 

The FPL gets a lot of people, from the CBUB and elsewhere, who absolutely cannot handle criticism. Perhaps they're a bit spoiled, and have never had to deal with hearing "no." Perhaps they came from somewhere with very low writing standards, or with people too polite to give actual criticism, and heard nothing but positive reactions about how great their writing was. These people rarely make good writers, because if you cannot see your flaws, you can't improve on them. Often people in the FPL will present criticism that is harshly phrased right off the bat, as something of a test. If they throw a fit and leave in a huff to somewhere else where people will appreciate their brilliance, odds are quite good they wouldn't have been around for long regardless. If they can deal with it, odds are good they will be able to improve and become a solid member. The criticism may seem mean, but more often than not it is just honest with no padding, to hurry along the process of getting those who can't take it to leave and stop being annoying.

 

Do I seem like a short-tempered person who'd be quick to explode at criticism? You'd be wrong. My characters sucked when I started. You'll still never catch me calling my own stuff any good. My first character had a brief record; lost in the first match, fatalitied in the second. My next character got up to a mighty three wins. This was my best performance until my tenth character. A lot of the people in the FPL have been here for years. We've seen a lot of terrible, cliched characters. A 5 out of 10 "meh" character becomes a lot harder to tolerate the 200th time it comes around. Just as often, we see people react with anger to the idea that they have flaws to fix, and we do not miss those people after chasing them out with pitchforks. I'm not going to apologize for my phrasing, and I doubt the others will either. If you're serious about being a creative writer and about competing with others, serious about responses being "joking," then deal with the "poorly disguised insults" and improve. You'll find yourself seeing them a lot less often.

 

 

Once again you can keep it moving! You have had absolutely no dealings with me and your judgement of my character has no bearings. Do not level personal attacks this way, if I have given you no reason for them.

 

If I say something was a joke; then by god it was a joke! If you dislike my writing fine. It's your perogative. I accept that. I even accept harsh critiques.

 

It was the snide, prickish, barb that drew my ire. Nothing less, Where I'm from your behavior would have been dealt with swiftly and without warning. You don't just insult grown men whom you don't know. That is childish, and rude. Just because others accept your "Bitchassness" here does not mean I will. I really am the wrong one to push here. Trust me!

 

Now see, all that was uncalled for. I'm a good, friendly guy. Everyone here knows that. I am a father, husband, and God fearing man. I have forsaken my thuggish ways and mentor inner city gang youths. I live peacefully.

 

Behavior and code of conduct is vital in this world.

 

The lack there of leads to communication break downs and utter chaos. You are articulate, I give you that. But you behave like some ill mannered troll. There is ways to do things everywhere you go. You my friend are not socially savvy! This I have discern from you lack of proper behavior.

 

Don't come at me like you were attempting to critique me in grammar. I would have openly welcome that. No you came to me like some big shot writer getting his kicks trying belittle some kid. Wrong, it will not happen here. Respect is earned!

 

So if you can't talk to me in a decent and logical manner, you can miss me altogether. And any who behave like you. It does not make you look smart, but quite the contrary. Just because you can formulate shitty articulate banter; still leaves you with a stinking mouth of bile, my friend.

 

Now I issue this resolution to you and any I may have offended. If you what to discuss and critique in real mature dialogue. Even iron out our differences and views, my hand is extended. If i'm wrong about you then so be it. But you attack me first and without motive.

 

I make no apology to you. But I'm a man and since we share a space on this site I'm willing and ready to make peace when you are ready to start from scratch.

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

REPOST!!!!

 

 

 

Thanks Treacho. I totally agree with ALL your assements. It was in fact rushed. I had plenty more to share but I chose to concentrate mainly on Chance's history and mental state, those things which motivate him to be the best. I would've prefered to only dwell on his feats but I think it would have made him a rather shallow character.

 

But with that said, I do see room to improve greatly upon him. Skirmisher's grammer lessons and SilverSurfer092's character structuring lessons and advice have been beyond helpful to me. I value all opinons, even the rude or less articulated ones. I have atleast three more characters which have been living in my over active imagination for years. My wife encourages me to write novels but I am honestly way way way to rusty and unready for such a task.

 

This is where I feel FPL can help. Honning my grammar and character development skills. I look forward to writing better and becoming a FPL Hall of Famer. Yes I said it; cause it's a goal of mine. One I plan to attain before ever attempting a novel.

 

Treacho, again thanks for everything. You gave me the oppurtunity and set a fire under my otherwise lazy arse. The passion to write and write well is one I will not take for granted. Thanks CBUB and FPL!

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This is coming from a person who can't take critiques. Being belittled and being critique is two wholly seperate entities! Learn to try and be more helpful and less smart-assy and people won't confuse the two. This is what is amiss here. Fellowship and helpfulness. Instead it's a clique of self rightoues geeks trying to optain superior here cause they lack it in the real world!

 

This is sad because I had real high hopes for this place. Gained many friends here. But the status quo here is flawed. People are mistaken "bitchassness" for smarts and personality! I

 

I care not who dislikes me or what people you gather to support your "bitchassness". Wrong is wrong no matter how you market it! I personally won't stand for it. Not only that But I'll be on every post on CBUB day and night to make sure no other people are subject to your bullying tactics. This you have my word on.

 

To Landon, I apologize! You kinda walked into my line of fire. Still I didn't disrespect you are ever will. Not because you are a moderator, but because I was wrong and I respect your opinon and critique. You as a person.

 

Houdinimachine, I also apologize to you because you misunderstood my post. I could have worded it better. Sorry!

 

Rhekarid my hand is extended and my offer to start over stands. I'm not a crying, sore loser, that you portray me as in your post. I simply took offense to personal attacks that did not have anything to do with critiqueing my writings. Still i'm willing to chalk it up and move on.

[Guest Houdinimachine]

Houdinimachine, I also apologize to you because you misunderstood my post.

 

 

That was awful backhanded.

 

I'm probably the biggest dick on these boards, but I can count the number of CA's I've done on two hands (over 10 years!) because I honestly don't give a crap most of the time. The elf thing was a stylistic choice. It's like Landon's intense hatred of mutants. We all have our pet peeves here. You'll have to get used to it if you want to do well in the FPL.

 

That said, you've made a mess of things, and I honestly regret taking time out to read that big wall of text character now. I'm in law school. I don't read for fun anymore, and this character ended up being no exception.

[treacherous]

Trial by Fire Artie, Welcome to the FPL. There are two issues going on here:

 

1. Here's the deal, I believe you have a few preconceived notions regarding certain people on the FPL. I believe you retaliated with a little bit of this bias in your mind. I believe there is an unspoken hierarchy in the EF and you believe certain members of the higher caliber writers within this "clique" should be brought down to size. Therefore, when it seemed like those certain members "attacked", you thought there should someone standing up against the tyranny. Maybe this comes from your background with helping kids. You wanted them to know that you are not some kid that will be pushed around, that's great, been there, done that. However, that's not what this should be about. It's about...

 

2. Writing, learning and growth. You aren't going to change these guys. Rhek is a cynic. Houdini is a self proclaimed d!ck. However abrasive though, they were helping (in their own way). Look at the comments, there is good advice masked behind the rough remarks. But really, who cares about the rough remarks. You can take the good from any bad. That's how you really improve. A person's personal opinion means nothing. But when it comes to sentence and story structure, this is important information to take into consideration. Trust me; these guys are like this with each other as well. You're lucky Ivan or Exal didn't come first. You would've been better off with a critique from ThePoet or Grano if you don't like sarcasm and cynicism. Regardless, these guys aren't going anywhere just because you told them off. More than likely, they will just vote against your character now and eventually you'll leave. It's just opinions and opinions are like a$$holes, everyone has one. Learn to separate the good from the bad, Artie.

 

Quite honestly, these guys are light weight at critiquing to me (with a few exceptions I can count on one hand) Like they already know, I come from an artist background. Art professors are some of the toughest critics in the world. You get cursed out by a couple of art professors several times a week and you build a thick skin to criticism. I DO NOT always agree with a lot of the critiques I get, but I DO take them all in stride. Instead of challenging it, I look thoroughly at my work and see if what was said is accurate. If it is, I change it. If I don't think its right, I don't. Simple as that. No need for fighting with everyone. Trust me; you'll never get another critique from anyone again with that attitude. Even the "nice" guys will be hesitant. Long story short, this is how FPL is Artie, take it or leave it.

 

Oh and Landon, screw that noise!! You haven't critiqued anything I've wrote since I first started. You are not going to quit (At least, not until you critique that little fiction I PM'd you. ).

[Guest Houdinimachine]

Treach is right. I got my bachelors in television production/screenwriting, and I showed the beginning of my favorite script to one of my closest friends from the FPL, Kite, and he ripped it a new one. At first, I was taken aback since my entire class thought it was the best thing since PB&J. Then, I realized that the writers in the FPL have a WAY higher expectation than any college course will. The FPL has developed some of the finest writers I've ever had the pleasure to read. I'm sure if we weren't all such lazy assholes, more of us would be published by now.

 

When we chew your face off, it's because we expect the very best. We're trying to mold you like we've been molded. The FPL has been going for 10 years now. Some of you were barely in kindergarten 10 years ago. We've been bashing our heads against the wall of harsh democratic criticism for a decade now, and we expect everyone else to do the same.

[Guest Rhekarid]

Respect is earned!

Then you should probably stop demanding it. You seem to be extracting an awful lot of "personal attacks" from five short sentences, which, even if you chose to take them as insulting, were still relevant in terms of criticism. How many times have you multiplied past that five in angry responses because I apparently didn't shower you with respect right off the bat? If you're not a sore loser (which I did not portray you as in a post that was meant to partially explain the unkind "welcome" of the FPL and had nothing to do with you), then I would suggest that it's rather poor form to make a show of extending an olive branch to a person right after multiple paragraphs of complants about how that person and their behavior is totally wrong.

 

You don't need to make amends. At least, not with me. It was never anything personal to begin with, when I'd never had any sort of contact with you. It still isn't now, after the tallied rudeness and making it personal of your responses dramatically exceeds anything you could have perceived from my original post. And contrary to what treacherous said, I will not vote against any character I may see in the future FPL just because it has your name on it. I will vote against it if it sucks, or at least, isn't as good as the competition. The odds of that situation coming out in your favor are a lot better if you can take criticism as criticism, regardless of what flavor it comes in.

 

I'm not a troll. I don't care how, or IF, people respond to my hooks. I rarely make comments of any sort on the CA board. I'm certainly not going to bother with that effort just to throw mud at someone. I only came in at all because your response to a point that the excessive ellipsis were not working was basically "it's my writing, I can do what I want." Coming in to a creative writing website, the character analysis section of it no less, and then declaring yourself not available for criticism is basically the same as god-modding in a roleplaying game. And when people call you out on a behavior that, again, you stated was a joke, your response is to go nuts because people were briefly, mildly, rude?

 

If you disagree with a comment, suck it up and keep walking. Don't fall to the ground like a soccer player faking injury to try and get the other person penalized. You'll do better at the game, and hopefully won't be despised by all the other players on the field.

[Guest Artemis Entreri]

Then you should probably stop demanding it. You seem to be extracting an awful lot of "personal attacks" from five short sentences, which, even if you chose to take them as insulting, were still relevant in terms of criticism. How many times have you multiplied past that five in angry responses because I apparently didn't shower you with respect right off the bat? If you're not a sore loser (which I did not portray you as in a post that was meant to partially explain the unkind "welcome" of the FPL and had nothing to do with you), then I would suggest that it's rather poor form to make a show of extending an olive branch to a person right after multiple paragraphs of complants about how that person and their behavior is totally wrong.

 

You don't need to make amends. At least, not with me. It was never anything personal to begin with, when I'd never had any sort of contact with you. It still isn't now, after the tallied rudeness and making it personal of your responses dramatically exceeds anything you could have perceived from my original post. And contrary to what treacherous said, I will not vote against any character I may see in the future FPL just because it has your name on it. I will vote against it if it sucks, or at least, isn't as good as the competition. The odds of that situation coming out in your favor are a lot better if you can take criticism as criticism, regardless of what flavor it comes in.

 

I'm not a troll. I don't care how, or IF, people respond to my hooks. I rarely make comments of any sort on the CA board. I'm certainly not going to bother with that effort just to throw mud at someone. I only came in at all because your response to a point that the excessive ellipsis were not working was basically "it's my writing, I can do what I want." Coming in to a creative writing website, the character analysis section of it no less, and then declaring yourself not available for criticism is basically the same as god-modding in a roleplaying game. And when people call you out on a behavior that, again, you stated was a joke, your response is to go nuts because people were briefly, mildly, rude?

 

If you disagree with a comment, suck it up and keep walking. Don't fall to the ground like a soccer player faking injury to try and get the other person penalized. You'll do better at the game, and hopefully won't be despised by all the other players on the field.

 

 

Good advice Rhekarid, Houdinimachine, Landon, and the FPL as a whole. I've been a pompous little jerk and frankly it's not my way. I won't stand here and tell you how rotten my night was and how a drank to cope with a personal loss. No, I reacted childishly and uncharacteristicly.

 

No excuse for flying off the handle at any of you guys. Treacho is right once again. I assumed you guys were the "FPL grammar police," and I overreacted.

 

I try to be a stand up guy, a honorable person, most the time. This is not always easy. Something totally on the outside of this site affected my behavior on the inside of the site. Sorry, I truly am. I'm 33 years old I should lead by better behavior, as I try with the inner city kids.

 

You guys words poked but did not draw blood and whatever does not kill me, makes me stronger! I apologize again if this is not an understandable apology. I'm from a place were apologies are seldom heard. But I man up and issue one wholeheartedly!

 

I hope you guys and I can move through this. I plan to stay and rough this FPL thing out because I feel I have vast untapped potential here. I will learn and perfect both, my characters, and my craft. Despite your critisms I will challenge all you guys sooner or later with a character you will have to respect. Especially when he serves your character in battle! Hahaha. (No seriously)

 

 

 

 

Now finally with all that said, I will introduce myself to those I have just met and those I will soon meet here. I'm Artemis Entreri. You are all welcomed to call me Art or Artie! I may seem a little soft compared to the customs here. But be warned that this will in no way impede my learning or effectiveness.

 

You all will either learn to love me or hate me; whichever way Art is here for good!!!!!! Godspeed everyone!