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[Guest Mr. Outstanding]

Here is my first street level character for your review.

 

 

Name: The Headbutter

 

Alignment: Hero

 

Gender: Male

 

Location: Cleveland, Ohio

 

Stats:

 

Strength-Weak (due to not having any arms)

 

Agility-Superior

 

Body-Superior

 

Mind-Weak

 

Summary (I know it isn’t in-format, but this is to give people a quick overview without them having to read pages and pages): Former Marine and Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fighter Norm Yaggard had both of his arms ripped off by the villain known as the Torturer, who had bet and lost money on one of Yaggard’s fights. The superhero team known as TDG got a hold of the maimed ex-fighter and outfitted him with a skull plate made of an indestructible alloy, and they replaced his regular teeth with diamond teeth. Norm, already having taken on the name “The Headbutter†due to his propensity to use his head in fights, has now donned that alias as a superhero and member of the TDG.

 

Biography:

 

He was supposed to lose to the bull of a man in front of him, the fighter known as Charles Stone. But MMA fighter Norm Yaggard was too proud to lose. Norm liked to brag that, after many concussions, the accrued brain damage from fighting had caused the idea and the word “lose†to be taken completely out of his mind. It didn’t help that, against the counseling of nearly every MMA trainer he had been with, Norm liked to head butt. He really liked to head butt. For this reason, he had begun to be called “The Headbutter†by fans and critics. The name stuck.

 

Norm struck out with a leg, Muay Thai style. But it was a feign. As the brutish Charles Stone dodged the kick, Norm moved in for a headbutt. The crowd, their expectations sated, cheered. Some of them booed. But whatever. After the headbutt, Norm tackled the blood-drooling Charles Stone, and then proceeded to deliver more headbutts. Norm could feel a headache coming, but he liked those. Headaches told him he was alive. After the barrage of head butts, Charles Stone’s face resembled a bowl of oatmeal. With blood in it.

 

There were a few more maneuvers, not all involving Norm’s head, but the fight soon had to be ended due to Norm’s brutal assault on his opponent.

 

In the locker room afterwards, Norm was confronted by the same thugs from before, the thugs who had told him he had better lose the fight tonight, or else.

 

“Our employer isn’t going to like this,†one of the thugs said to Norm, murder in his eyes.

 

Before becoming an MMA fighter, Norm had served as a Marine in the United States Military. He had seen death, and he had done his fair share of killing. So he wasn’t easily bullied into doing anything. “It’s like I said before,†Norm said, nonchalantly turning his back to them as he placed his gloves in his locker. “I’m too brain dead to know what the word lose means.â€

 

A hand shot around Norm’s neck before he could move his prodigious head. “Hold him there!†A thug said. “Let’s see how good he is without that head of his.†Amid the jeers of the other thugs, the thug grasping him back the neck proceeded to choke him into unconsciousness. “Before I retired from fighting,†a voice whispered into Norm’s ear, “I had been known as the best submission expert in the MMA.â€

 

After those words were uttered, all became darkness for Norm.

 

He awoke on a table in a dark, dank room with earthen walls and pillars of rotting wood. Something else was rotting in there as well. Bodies. Norm could remember the smell from his experiences as a marine.

 

“Who ha!†A face said above him. The face was masked in metal; strips of leathered flesh hung from the metal mask like hair. “Those were my men who warned you earlier. You should have taken their advice and lost. The Torturer had a great deal of money on that fight.â€

 

“Who is this Torturer fellow?†Norm asked. “I’ll bash his face in with my head.†Here Norm struggled against the restraints at his wrists and ankles, his head whipping up again and again like a snake trying to strike.

 

“Others call me the Torturer,†the man in the metal mask said. “And you will do nothing of the sort today. Nor to-morrow for that matter. It’s time to go to work.â€

 

The Torturer raised a whirring saw. It whined as it spun, like a beast hungry and teased. It was a torture device only in the crudest sense—it could maim, and cause a great deal of pain while doing so.

 

As the Torturer’s tool did its grisly work, rendering Norman Yaggard armless, the Torturer spoke to him as quietly and calmly as a dentist taking out a child’s teeth. The Torturer spoke of many things to Norm during the whole process, but chiefly he spoke of how life would change for Norm without arms. Everything from eating his food, to how the rest of society viewed him. Everything would change for dear Norman, and without arms he would truly have to make good use of that head and face.

 

Personality

 

Being hospitalized and then emerging without arms didn’t make Norm any humbler. It certainly didn’t make him less likely to use his head. In fact, he became even more proficient at completing tasks with the various parts of his head and face. He found that the dents in his head could be put to good use. He learned to carry items in those dents. The use of his mouth improved as well; he quickly re-mastered eating with fork and spoon again by grasping it between his teeth. He would lift the food up, toss it into the air, drop the fork or spoon with his teeth, and catch the food in his mouth. Sure, it was embarrassing, but Norm had usually liked to eat alone anyway. He had always been a bit of a loner, and now that he was armless he liked his solitude more than ever.

 

That solitude changed when he met the superheroes calling themselves the TDG. They were led by an annoying individual with a tacky costume who called himself Mr. Outstanding. From the get go Norm could tell that this Mr. Outstanding character really thought highly of himself, and this only made him more annoying. The others on the team included a man with a dove for a hand, a pig that could talk and even fly (Norm had to admit, as preposterous as it was, that was pretty amazing), a dog-ugly man who professed to have the ability to teleport through the barks of dogs, and some other circus freaks and misfits. Norm hated them all.

 

But what they offered him was another chance. “What if I told you that we have the resources to remake you,†the Mr. Outstanding clown said. “Further, what if I told you that you would not only fight again, but fight criminals without a ring, without restraints? With the right equipment, you could become the Headbutter in truth. Join us.â€

 

The wretch called Mr. Outstanding extended a hand to Norm, and, would you believe it, Norm grasped the hand with his teeth and gave it a firm shake.

 

 

Powers and abilities:

 

Ability name: Head protection—the metal alloy encasing The Headbutter’s head is said to be indestructible.

 

“Hey you!†The Headbutter yelled at a purse snatcher.

 

The purse snatcher wheeled, drew a handgun, fired.

 

The Headbutter ducked his head, causing the bullets to ricochet off his shinning skull. One of the rebounded bullets tore through the right arm of the purse snatcher. The man yelled in pain, dropping the purse.

 

The Headbutter came in close with his head, buffeting the man’s skull. When the hero drew away the skull had been crashed brutally inward so that it looked like a bowl of gore—eyes and brain squished flat into the bowl.

 

The woman had fled, leaving her purse behind. The Headbutter rifled through the contents of the purse with his teeth. He pocketed the cash that he found with the usual justification that super heroes are rarely paid enough, if at all. Then he looked at her Driver’s License.

 

“Not a bad looking broad,†he said.

 

Ability name: Diamond Teeth—The Headbutter’s regular teeth were removed and replaced with diamond teeth.Description:

 

The Headbutter recognized the thug’s voice; it was the one from before, who had choked him until he had lost consciousness. That meant he was on the right track after all. He would get his revenge, and what a harvest it would be!

 

“Time to eat!†The Headbutter said, running at the man who had been drinking at the bar. The thug tried to turn, but the Headbutter’s face came at him lightning quick, shredding the flesh and then skull with those diamond teeth. Screams became gurgles, and that’s when the screams of others in the bar began to emerge and entwine. Norm had the urge to dance to that music.

[Guest deojusto]

Well I understand you're not done, so I'll hold off on a full review, but this is what I've gleamed so far. You seem to be telling us what's happening rather than showing us. For example, lose the first two sentences. They're not good openers and just feed the reader with technical information that doesn't set the scene much. Open with an interesting sentence and we can gleam that he was supposed to lose later.

 

Sentences like "Before becoming an MMA fighter, Norm had served as a Marine in the United States Military" shouldn't exist in an FPL character, unless maybe if you're doing first person narration. You could have him say something like "You know, before I headbutted a**holes teeth in for a living, I would shoot their face in with an M-16. Two tours, Afghanistan; so I know my share of death, yadda yadda yadda". Basically focus on the moment; we can gleam his background and current situation from details in the present without exposition sidenotes. There's too much telling, not enough doing; what does stuff look like, sound like?Give detail.

 

As for the idea, it is mildly entertaining, but right now its still kind of gimmicky. There were some good lines thrown in there, but more needs to be going for this guy other than the novelty of having a metal head.

 

Also, dump the section with the purse snatcher. You want one coherent story, not separate incursions with random criminals. Anytime your character is fighting people not important enough to have a name, the reader isn't usually going to care what happens.

[Sir Exal]

I actually like the first paragraph. It's fairly entertaining, gives us a good idea, rather immediately, of the character's personality. Your action's a little stilted, but passable, especially at the beginning. No, where this really falls is the dialogue.

 

“Our employer isn’t going to like this,” one of the thugs said to Norm, murder in his eyes.

 

..but the paperwork he'd have to fill out late on his mind, making his threat sound like a casual statement.

 

“It’s like I said before,” Norm said, nonchalantly turning his back to them as he placed his gloves in his locker. “I’m too brain dead to know what the word lose means.”

 

A hand shot around Norm’s neck before he could move his prodigious head. “Hold him there!” A thug said. “Let’s see how good he is without that head of his.”

 

Seriously, this is not a action packed scene between badasses! This could be exchanged between Englishmen at tea!

 

“Who is this Torturer fellow?” Norm asked. “I’ll bash his face in with my head.”

 

...Okay, quick question. Have you EVER heard someone talk?

 

Then we get to the torture scene. More specifically, the LACK of a torture scene. The man is having his arms amputated by a buzzsaw without anesthetic, and we don't hear ANYTHING about it. We hear the Torturer describe, conversationally, what life without arms is like, which would be fabulously creepy...if we actually knew what was going on. Or even heard the dude scream. We're all grownups here, we've seen Saw, it's fine to get violent.

 

Then there's the question of how they stopped exsanguination and what, precisely, happened after the impromptu surgery; presumably the Torturer and his thugs did something other than drop Norm off at the ER with a post-it note reading "Arms Cut Off" stuck to his chest.

 

The next paragraph is actually interesting. Norm's adapting and learning to deal without arms is a fascinating study.

 

Andthenhemeetsabunchasuperheroesandtheyproposetomakehimasuperhero.

 

Okay, what? Why? How did he meet them?

 

His head is encased with metal.

 

Okay, what? Why? He was a damned good headbutter before, and that can do some damage anyway.

 

He kills a man in cold blood and steals a woman's purse.

 

Okay, what? Why? There was absolutely NOTHING in the previous character that made him seem like an amoral jackass?

 

His teeth are replaced--not coated, mind you, but replaced--with diamonds.

 

Okay, what? Why in the seven hells...?

 

And he kills another guy 'cause he thinks he recognizes his voice.

 

Okay, wha--you get the picture. Why does he want revenge against anyone but the Torturer? He seems to be getting by alright by himself.

 

Honestly, there's something in your concept--a guy gets his arms cut off and fights for justice using headbutts. That's good, that's--God forbid--funny. But you lose sight of it in making him a brainless killer and inept dialogue.

[Guest Mr. Outstanding]

Well I understand you're not done, so I'll hold off on a full review, but this is what I've gleamed so far. You seem to be telling us what's happening rather than showing us. For example, lose the first two sentences. They're not good openers and just feed the reader with technical information that doesn't set the scene much. Open with an interesting sentence and we can gleam that he was supposed to lose later.

 

Sentences like "Before becoming an MMA fighter, Norm had served as a Marine in the United States Military" shouldn't exist in an FPL character, unless maybe if you're doing first person narration. You could have him say something like "You know, before I headbutted a**holes teeth in for a living, I would shoot their face in with an M-16. Two tours, Afghanistan; so I know my share of death, yadda yadda yadda". Basically focus on the moment; we can gleam his background and current situation from details in the present without exposition sidenotes. There's too much telling, not enough doing; what does stuff look like, sound like?Give detail.

 

As for the idea, it is mildly entertaining, but right now its still kind of gimmicky. There were some good lines thrown in there, but more needs to be going for this guy other than the novelty of having a metal head.

 

Also, dump the section with the purse snatcher. You want one coherent story, not separate incursions with random criminals. Anytime your character is fighting people not important enough to have a name, the reader isn't usually going to care what happens.

 

 

"Show don't tell" is a great rule for people just starting out in creative writing, but as you begin to mature as a writer you will find that it has its limitations and that sometimes it simply has to be abandoned in favor of narration. Such would be the case in a work that would function as profile or an overview, for example. Also, having only scenes does not necessarily make for a story (and if you were to take a creative writing class or go through a workshop or two you would see this). Pick up a novel or short story. Read it. At some point the writer has to connect the dots. The scenes that need to be shown are shown, but for things that can be told in a couple of sentences and would take years to show otherwise . . . why would scenes needlessly be created for them? They wouldn’t, not in professional writing. "Show don't tell," is good rule, but that's only scratching the surface of creative writing.

 

I don't understand your second paragraph at all. That statement doesn't even sound remotely like first person narration. As for your recommended version "You know, before I headbutted a**holes teeth in for a living, I would shoot their face in with an M-16. Two tours, Afghanistan . . ."

Why would my character even be talking about that, and in that way? Are you saying that that is your first person version of what I have written? Either way, that would make for very inorganic fiction. No offense, but I'm not about to take advice that would make the writing much worse.

 

People of the internet: Before you critique someone else's work, please make sure you are qualified to do so to begin with (BA, MA, MFA in creative writing, published work, etc.). Otherwise, format your suggestions in this kind of way: "here's what works for me" "here's what doesn't."

[Guest Mr. Outstanding]

Edit: I did waste my time on the second critique. I did. I'm in a foul mood. Waiting for the ban.

[C.T.]

Oh well...might not do as well in the FPL then. Many(not all) but many do insult each others' writing like that. It's not personal or anything, as far as I know. Of course..I'm not exactly an FPL expert.

 

This one was pretty recent, but also involved insults on the person as well as his writing.

[Guest deojusto]

If you put a character on the Character Analysis Board, it will be analyzed. You may not like the analysis, but it isn't the "everyone tell me how great I am board". If you thought Exal was insulting you, you haven't seen anything yet, because that was kid gloves. He was showing ways for you to make your writing better, don't take it personally, just take it in stride.

 

In regards to your response. "Show don't tell" isn't a rule you ever outgrow no matter how great you've convinced yourself you are. Believe it or not I have read novels as well as short stories, and I guarantee you, novelists use "show don't tell". Do they connect the dots? Yes. Do they do it by showing and not telling? Yes again.

 

As to Exal's comment, I'd just like to say that I did like the first paragraph overall, just not the first two sentences. The rest of the opening was better. But I'd also like to see the torture scene, Headbutter meeting TDG, and a lot of the intermittent stuff well.

[Sir Exal]

And this is why I don't usually give CA.

 

That was constructive and you know it. I told you what worked and what didn't. I told you where to improve.

 

And on the show don't tell thing--yes, telling is sometimes needed. I myself am writing a character than is mostly dialogue. BUT if there is ever a choice--if you can have characters do something instead of talking about it--take the latter. It's just more interesting.

 

Though if you declare worthless any opinion not prefaced with a wishy-washy dismissal of our own views, then get the fudge out. What the hell do you think voting is? It's a value judgement of which one we like more. And, with one or two possible exceptions, we're none of us English majors. If you're going to bitch when your characters lose and dismiss all votes and criticism as sound and opinion, signifying nothing, again, get the fudge out. Aldo already did that.

 

Finally, if you're going to respond to honest criticism like that? Tell us. I'd like to deserve it next time.

[Guest Mr. Outstanding]

And this is why I don't usually give CA.

 

That was constructive and you know it. I told you what worked and what didn't. I told you where to improve.

 

And on the show don't tell thing--yes, telling is sometimes needed. I myself am writing a character than is mostly dialogue. BUT if there is ever a choice--if you can have characters do something instead of talking about it--take the latter. It's just more interesting.

 

Though if you declare worthless any opinion not prefaced with a wishy-washy dismissal of our own views, then get the fudge out. What the hell do you think voting is? It's a value judgement of which one we like more. And, with one or two possible exceptions, we're none of us English majors. If you're going to bitch when your characters lose and dismiss all votes and criticism as sound and opinion, signifying nothing, again, get the fudge out. Aldo already did that.

 

Finally, if you're going to respond to honest criticism like that? Tell us. I'd like to deserve it next time.

 

 

I have seen honest criticism in enough workshops and creative writing classes to actually know what it is. Also, I have thick enough skin. Three things about your so called "constructive criticism"

 

1. It was wrong. Bad advice is worse than no advice. Your criticism of my dialogue, Sir Exal, came off as someone who had such criticism leveled on their own work in the past and simply wanted to throw it at other people, even if it doesn't fit with those people’s work you are criticizing.

 

2. Before you criticize me so harshly, make sure that you have the proper credentials to do so. I wrote here for the purpose of having fun. That said, I am open to professional criticism. I won't, however, listen to the whinings of dust motes who are trying to bring down regular-sized people.

 

3. Fin. My main point, before I quit and/or I am banned, was that you people aren't qualified to critique the writing of others. AND IN MR. O’s DEATH, I HOPE THAT THIS MUCH SEEN BY ALL. In going down, I can save others from being mislead by you. Your "advice" could be quite damaging to someone much younger who actually believes what you are saying while you are trashing their work. Show me an MA in English or an MFA in Creative writing, or published work, and I will listen to you. Otherwise, act like you are the mere reader that you are.

[Guest Mr. Outstanding]

We're none of us English majors.

 

My writing is by no means perfect, but my alter ego can at least claim two English degrees with a focus in creative writing. Granted, I led myself into such a situation by posting here to begin with, but, again, my main point was that your criticism in this forum needs an overhaul or EVERYONE is going to "get the fudge out" except for the people in your click. One last piece of advice and I will go: When you critique someone, never say something like "Do you know what people actually sound like?" in a critique. Even if it were true, you are attacking the person, not the writing. Instead, consider something like "the character dialogue in this piece seems a little unnatural to me." Again, if you were Stephen King I would be more likely to weather your absurd attempts to trash what I'm doing.

[Guest Mr. Outstanding]

If you put a character on the Character Analysis Board, it will be analyzed. You may not like the analysis, but it isn't the "everyone tell me how great I am board".

 

Neither is it the "needlessly attack other writers to make you feel better about your own writing" board. And, oh yeah, I do a decent job of "showing" in the scenes that require it. But, in this format, I simply I don't have enough room to "show" every single thing that happened to my character in the past. I'm not about to "show" something that happened to a character in the past with a lengthy flashback when I can simply narrate what happened in one or two sentences. That, my friend, is called being concise. It's one of the most important rules in writing generally. You should read beyond the "show, don't tell" rule the next time you pick up a "How to Write" guide.

[Sir Exal]

...or EVERYONE is going to "get the fudge out" except for the people in your click.

 

*clique

[Guest Soberguy]

I didn't see anything particularly insulting about Exal's analysis - especially given it's Exal.

 

A couple of things I'd like to jump in here and say, though I will preface this by saying I had to read Mr.Os comments a couple of times to see if he was joking. I'm still not convinced, but assuming you're serious:

 

1) You may not have liked the tone of Exal's critique, but it was completely valid. He made some very good points and also gave you a good idea where he felt things went wrong and what you could do to fix them. Don't pretend like his advice is invalid because he gave your ego a widdle boo-boo.

 

2) As anyone who posts regularly to the CA Board knows, getting ANY advice is like gold. Usually your posts are ignored or given reponses like "Cool character, bro!" or "I don't get it". That he took the time to read your character, analyze it and critique it should be met with thanks.

 

3) Criticism here is sharp all around. I know I've been far less kind in my CAs. Thats the nature of the beast. As far as I'm concerned, if you want positive criticism without a hint "dude, WTF?" then go to another site. If your character sucks or some part of it is ridiculous I'm going to tell you so. If you don't like being picked on about it, then WRITE BETTER. My early stuff sucked and people told me so... but they didn't just insult me. They told me WHY I sucked and HOW I was an illiterate hack and WHAT I could do to get a f*cking clue. It was like getting gold nuggets of valuable information hurled at my face in a painful manner. It worked.

 

4) Everyone's criticism is valid. EVERYONE'S. I don't give a sh*t what professional accredation you have. We are all amateur hacks trying to getting better, including you. If someone gives me bad advice, I'll ignore it. If they give me good advice, I'll take it. The only thing which gives you cred here is the quality of your writing. I mean you allegedly have two English degrees with a focus on creative writing and wrote a character about a guy who gets his arms ripped off and his head encased in metal who headbutts people. That erases a great deal of doubt as to the value of higher education in the arts.

[Guest Pseudonym]

It'd be dumb to reiterate.

 

So, if you're leaving, see you later. If you're not, and if you've seriously taken any Creative Writing classes, you know this character is gimmicky as hell. Not flushed out, there's no pervasive external conflict, no internal conflict at all.

 

And, btw, you can reject advice if you want. You can just take it, internalize it, and respond in how you re-make the character. Deojusto told me to scrap one of my character's who is now making his way nicely up the points ladder.

 

But, again, if you're leaving, bye.

[treacherous]

I'm almost certain that Landon has an English degree or Education or something. It is his profession. I've seen him critique someone and break down damn near every grammar mistake in the story meticulously. If you want that, maybe if you ask nicely he'll do it. But, to ask that only those with degrees critique this is silly. You and all of us know that not many (if any) are going to fit that description. So, it wouldn't even make sense to post a character here if that was what you were expecting to happen. Also, this little outburst is very out of character for you. It's funny how we take our own personal creations so seriously. As the MIA Ivan once said and still says, "Kill your darlings" or "Kill your babies". Something like that. Exal is one of the more scathing critiquing type folks within recent years, but that was light weight indeed. Let Rhek, Ivan or even Landon get ahold of it. Seriously, chill out. It's real simple when you get these critiques, take what you think you can use and leave the rest. As Sober said, it's incredible that you received one in the first place and it's even more incredible that you received one from someone with as much success as Exal. My advice (and this is routine advice that gets tossed around often), go look at some of the top characters, read them, figure out what sells and then start selling it. Simple as that.

 

Long story short, an opinion is an opinion, take it or leave it.

 

Last thing, why in the world would you get banned? I hate when people say stuff like that. Has anyone here ever EVER seen anyone get banned for arguing with an admin? Come on, stop feeding into all the CBUB madness. We have better things to do than ban everyone that argues with us, as do you. Although the Headbutter isn't something I see as having ultimate success in the FPL, I've seen you write other things. Don't quit because someone has a difference of opinion. You'll be quitting your whole life.

[Guest force_echo]

Holt shit. A side of Mr. O never seen by anyone....

[Guest Ellisra]

Oh I don't know, I found his character rather entertaining. I mean not everyone is a calculating book reader. There are a lot of people who will read anything if it gets their attention. I mean I have read books that are really good and have had lots of mistakes in them. I won't say that the criticism was wrong or that Mr. O was right, but I will say that no matter what anyone says about a character, there will always be someone who will find it entertaining even with all of its flaws and mistakes.

[Guest Hayesmeister5651]

Oh I don't know, I found his character rather entertaining. I mean not everyone is a calculating book reader. There are a lot of people who will read anything if it gets their attention. I mean I have read books that are really good and have had lots of mistakes in them. I won't say that the criticism was wrong or that Mr. O was right, but I will say that no matter what anyone says about a character, there will always be someone who will find it entertaining even with all of its flaws and mistakes.

^This

[C.T.]

Explains why Goku is so popular anyway.

[Darkender]

That was unexpected. Though, most newcomers do act defensively, like an animal in the wild, when people attack their darlings.

 

But how else are writers suppose to get better if any crap left in the CA board is simply accepted with all their faults?

 

Also I love all this participation in this critique lol

[Guest Ellisra]

That was unexpected. Though, most newcomers do act defensively, like an animal in the wild, when people attack their darlings.

 

But how else are writers suppose to get better if any crap left in the CA board is simply accepted with all their faults?

 

Also I love all this participation in this critique lol

 

Heh, I don't mind when a fellow writer tells me my creations suck. In fact, it lets me know that I am not treating my "children" with the proper respect to their origins and their over all personalities. So I usually don't really comment back on the criticism, I usually only just attempt to make my characters better through revising their origins and working my way up again from scratch. I value my peer's opinions and I don't really care if it is insulting or not because either way I will need to make edits to my characters.

[Guest force_echo]

What if they cut off his arms AND his legs? He could like slither around. HE could be the Ameoba!

[Ivan]

You done bitching, Mr. O? Good. Now sit down and listen.

 

I want to address your misapprehensions first. Please, let me establish some credibility up front. I don't have multiple postgraduate degrees, but I am an English teacher working on my Masters. In college I won a few awards, and my writing was published in the school's anthology, but I've never submitted anywhere professionally. It is worth pointing out that having a college degree in creative writing doesn't automatically make you a good writer, any more than having formal lifeguard certification makes you an Olympic swimmer. Similarly, not having a specific degree is not a barrier to providing useful feedback. You don't have a degree in film theory and criticism- yet it is wholly unfair to say that your opinions on movies are meaningless. It would also be ridiculous to assume that no amateur documentarian could ever produce an enjoyable film (or provide helpful advice) unless that person was able to furnish credentials upon request.

 

More to the point, I'd like to establish some FPL credibility, which qualifies me to review FPL characters. I've written for this website for over ten years, including having created multiple Main Event winners in the old FPL, and having several characters crack the 500 point barrier in the current incarnation. Having been an FPL Character Acceptance administrator I've read and reviewed thousands of FPL characters over the last decade. I know what appeals to the voters (an extremely small subset with particular tastes,) and I know the format inside and out. I know the powers, I understand the dizzying array of ways they can be used that push the boundaries of fiction both conceptually and poetically.

 

I'm going to critique your character, or at least as much of it as I can stand, but first I need to speak in defense of Sir Exal. His advice was not, as you suggest, "wrong" but it was absolutely appropriate for the FPL format and audience (two things with which you have absolutely no experience.) You may claim to have several degrees, but I guarantee Exal will out Strunk and White you any night of the week. I don't know his education, but he has a solid foundation in grammar and produces consistently entertaining and memorable works of fiction, including several popular FPL characters.

 

Now, just for fun, I will share my opinion of your character. You deserve much worse.

 

What was the first line of your post, again?

 

Here is my first street level character for your review.

 

Well to start with, you don't know the system. Like, at all. You haven't even taken the time to LOOK at other FPL characters, presumably because you're such a brilliant creative writer that why would you need to waste your time with any of us mortal single-degree-havin' simpletons. You made no attempt to get even the barest grasp of tone, composition, or learn what is on the list of available powers. You've got two powers, and even if I assume you took them both at Superior level, you're still four points off... on a fourteen point character. That's pretty terrible math, even for a liberal arts major.

 

Summary (I know it isn’t in-format, but this is to give people a quick overview without them having to read pages and pages): Former Marine and Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fighter Norm Yaggard had both of his arms ripped off by the villain known as the Torturer, who had bet and lost money on one of Yaggard’s fights. The superhero team known as TDG got a hold of the maimed ex-fighter and outfitted him with a skull plate made of an indestructible alloy, and they replaced his regular teeth with diamond teeth. Norm, already having taken on the name “The Headbutter†due to his propensity to use his head in fights, has now donned that alias as a superhero and member of the TDG.

 

Like an early 90's Image comics, you've combined ultraviolence, silly gimmicks, and really awful code names into one concise package. Bravo, Marc Silvestri. Forget that Headbutter sounds like an X-rated dairy product. Forget that TDG is an apparently meaningless abbreviation (Tiny Dog Genitals? Tasty Dude-Gravy?) for a superhero charity organization that specializes in fancy hats and mouth jewelry.

 

Still, this is just a summary, because even though you're about to repeat everything you just said, it's important that we, the character reviewers who have been asked to analyze this piece of fiction, be patronizingly spoon-fed everything. For as much as you're bitching at Exal for suggesting "Show, Don't Tell," you're apparently employing an advanced "Tell-before-you-tell" style. Perhaps you're developing some sort of avant-garde Straub-Huillet inspired take on the Motivated Sequence which involves boring people into paying attention?

 

He was supposed to lose to the bull of a man in front of him, the fighter known as Charles Stone. But MMA fighter Norm Yaggard was too proud to lose.

 

Of course, having a stack of degrees, you'll surely be able to defend the multiple instances in this piece of writing where you have started sentences with conjunctions. This is no doubt due to some deep metatextual message- using anapodoton to counterpoint the perceived strictures of societal obligation- because after all, that's simply an artistic choice. It couldn't be due to anything so simple as, say, you not being nearly as good a writer as you'd like to believe?

 

Norm liked to brag that, after many concussions, the accrued brain damage from fighting had caused the idea and the word “lose†to be taken completely out of his mind.

 

This is the kind of thing Exal was talking about. In the FPL you've only got the character sheet and that's it. Eschewing the opportunity to provide an honest moment of entertainment in favor of an exposition dump is a good way to guarantee a string of losses for your character. There are a dozen ways to make this tidbit more enjoyable to read, the most obvious of which is to actually have Norm bragging. You've also got a bit of an awkward, weak, reflexive construction here- maybe one of your college degrees should've taught you how to diagram sentences?

 

It didn’t help that, against the counseling of nearly every MMA trainer he had been with, Norm liked to head butt. He really liked to head butt. For this reason, he had begun to be called “The Headbutter†by fans and critics. The name stuck.

 

I'm sorry, but there is no way anyone can take "The Headbutter" seriously. At best, it's an off-brand shampoo; at worst it's a kind of marital aid.

 

Norm struck out with a leg, Muay Thai style. But it was a feign.

 

I checked both Merriam-Webster and the Oxford English Dictionary to be sure, but everyone seems to think feign is only a verb. Perhaps your brilliant creative mind has created a new kind of hybridized gerund, heretofore unseen in English. We are so lucky you decided to grace us with your talent.

 

As the brutish Charles Stone dodged the kick, Norm moved in for a headbutt.

 

Is Headbutt one word or two? I wanted to consult an expert, but there is a lack of internal consistency in your writing, so I had to go with those Philistine hacks over at OED.

 

The crowd, their expectations sated, cheered. Some of them booed. But whatever.

 

Expectations sated!? Holy cow, that's a catachresis worthy of Alexander Pope himself! Also, I commend you on the standalone sentence "But whatever." Rarely has a writer's command of the English language been so great that contravention of the basic "a sentence needs a clause" maxim really worked to underscore the take-no-prisoners attitude of the protagonist. You, sir, are truly a genius of the highest caliber.

 

After the headbutt, Norm tackled the blood-drooling Charles Stone, and then proceeded to deliver more headbutts.

 

Rare is the intellectual author who can also pull off a gripping action scene. Norm's severely limited fight repertoire helps highlight his blue-collar, working class upbringing. The exergasia of various "headbutts" and "head butts" illustrates the numbness of Norm's daily routine. Beautifully done.

 

Norm could feel a headache coming, but he liked those. Headaches told him he was alive.

 

I was sure you couldn't top "more headbutts," but here you've produced a beautifully understated defiance of Bentham's Utilitarianism in a single sentence. I am absolutely in awe of the depth of character you've provided- and revealing Norm's latent homosexuality through public sadomasochism is pure brilliance.

 

After the barrage of head butts, Charles Stone’s face resembled a bowl of oatmeal. With blood in it.

 

I'm trying to figure out the pattern of headbutts vs head butts. At first I thought it was sloppy and random, but I'm starting to see that when it is two words, those are the parts of the story when Norm is conflicted externally, and when it is one word, the conflict is internal. I'm open to clarification. Also the anapodoton continues with the questionable division of "With blood in it" into its own sentence. I have to admit that confuses me as well... are you deliberately writing poorly to make a point about the dichotomy of privilege and education?

 

There were a few more maneuvers, not all involving Norm’s head, but the fight soon had to be ended due to Norm’s brutal assault on his opponent.

 

I'm on firmer ground here- the dismissal of any part of the fight that doesn't specifically involve contact between two heads really helps bring the focus back to Norm's disgust at his own latent homosexual urges. This, in turn, helps clarify the clever double-entendre of the character's derisively cruel nickname.

 

In the locker room afterwards, Norm was confronted by the same thugs from before, the thugs who had told him he had better lose the fight tonight, or else.

 

Starting in media res allows us to jump right into the brutal kinetic energy of pure headbutting action, but now we learn that there are thugs, who existed before. A less astute reader might complain that there were, in fact, no thugs mentioned anywhere before, but those people just need to have faith that this will be addressed in the writing.

 

"Our employer isn’t going to like this," one of the thugs said to Norm, murder in his eyes.

 

Again, your brilliance is beyond me here. It looks like you've utterly forgotten how to diagram sentences and appended "murder in his eyes," to the place where the predicate nominative pronoun would cause the most confusion as to just whose eyes have murder in them. Should I be inferring that Norm and the nameless thugs are interchangeable- that he feels like a "nobody," in his life? Help please, the depth of sophistication is beyond me.

 

Before becoming an MMA fighter, Norm had served as a Marine in the United States Military. He had seen death, and he had done his fair share of killing. So he wasn’t easily bullied into doing anything.

 

I think... I think this anapodoton is a signpost to the duality of Norm's despair and the TDG's philosophy of limbless MMA exceptionalism? I have to admit I'm getting lost, your genius sometimes masquerades as really awful storytelling so convincingly that I forget I'm reading one of the most important and compelling works of fiction from the early 21st Century.

 

"It’s like I said before," Norm said, nonchalantly turning his back to them as he placed his gloves in his locker. "I’m too brain dead to know what the word lose means."

 

This phrase is Norm's "Who is John Galt," I get that much, but what is the significance of turning his back? You've just pegged him as former Marine with combat experience surrounded by thugs who are angry with him. Is he turning his back because he has accepted his fate and wants to die, or is there a subtext I'm missing?

 

A hand shot around Norm’s neck before he could move his prodigious head. "Hold him there!" A thug said. "Let’s see how good he is without that head of his." Amid the jeers of the other thugs, the thug grasping him back the neck proceeded to choke him into unconsciousness. "Before I retired from fighting," a voice whispered into Norm’s ear, "I had been known as the best submission expert in the MMA."

 

More reinforcing of the homosexual undertones- Norms "head" is questionably described as "prodigious" which some readers may infer means he is hydro-cephalic, but I believe that, rather than "large" you were going for the secondary definition of "unnatural," a word used by Norm's mother and priest to describe his gay urges. The way Norm submits to the thug who is "taking" him from behind, while being whispered to, really pushes the homosexual imagery.

 

After those words were uttered, all became darkness for Norm.

 

He awoke on a table in a dark, dank room with earthen walls and pillars of rotting wood. Something else was rotting in there as well. Bodies. Norm could remember the smell from his experiences as a marine.

 

The sensual imagery continues, as does the aversion to colons and semi-colons. Before anyone suggests that a man with multiple college degrees doesn't know how to properly use punctuation, I'd like to say that I really get your choice to make "Bodies" its own sentence. Your aversion to proper grammar is a fundamental aspect of The Headbutter as a work of fiction, it's intensely autobiographical and there's a Faulkner-esque stream of consciousness running through this scene.

 

"Who ha!" A face said above him. The face was masked in metal; strips of leathered flesh hung from the metal mask like hair. "Those were my men who warned you earlier. You should have taken their advice and lost. The Torturer had a great deal of money on that fight."

 

The grand introduction of the sophisticated antagonist, paired nicely with Norm. What makes these two so appropriate for one another is that neither is able to speak with any personality or character, but are rather bound by fate to be obviating mouthpieces for expository development. The way Norm and The Torturer aren't real characters, but rather two-dimensional slaves to the overarching cliche is really poignant, in a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead sort of way.

 

"Who is this Torturer fellow?" Norm asked. "I’ll bash his face in with my head." Here Norm struggled against the restraints at his wrists and ankles, his head whipping up again and again like a snake trying to strike.

 

"Others call me the Torturer," the man in the metal mask said. "And you will do nothing of the sort today. Nor to-morrow for that matter. It’s time to go to work."

 

Making the Torturer a passive-aggressive character obsessed with time certainly plays against the expectations of... ok I'll be honest, I'm losing faith in the narrative. I know you have so many degrees in writing that you must surely be crafting a masterpiece of the highest caliber here, but it's so far on the bleeding edge of brilliant that it really just resembles high school level writing. Again, I only have the one degree, so I know I'm not fit to judge your genius, but I don't think The Headbutter will capture the imaginations of the masses.

 

The Torturer raised a whirring saw. It whined as it spun, like a beast hungry and teased. It was a torture device only in the crudest sense—it could maim, and cause a great deal of pain while doing so.

 

You are a super genius writer, right? Your posts suggested that you are so incredibly gifted that you are beyond reproach by anyone less than a qualified expert. It's just... I've read a lot of literature, and this is really starting to seem like drek. I mean, I see what you did there, punctuating the second sentence incorrectly to draw attention to the adjectives as they describe both the rotary handsaw and Norm's fear of his own desire, but if it wasn't for the clever parts about Norm secretly being gay this whole thing would seem like a colossally mediocre character.

 

As the Torturer’s tool did its grisly work, rendering Norman Yaggard armless, the Torturer spoke to him as quietly and calmly as a dentist taking out a child’s teeth. The Torturer spoke of many things to Norm during the whole process, but chiefly he spoke of how life would change for Norm without arms. Everything from eating his food, to how the rest of society viewed him.

 

Again, I must be missing something... why avoid the parallelism of the conditional tense halfway through the last fragmented, subjectless sentence? Is it just to challenge the reader's expectations of what is acceptable? I don't know if I buy that... I think it would be too easy to confuse that for just being a mediocre writer.

 

Everything would change for dear Norman, and without arms he would truly have to make good use of that head and face.

 

I just can't do it any more. Even if you somehow spin Norman into some sort of anadactic supervillain apologist, manipulated by the vagaries of his benefactors, becoming a shill for their own apostate philosophy, I can't do it. I can't read this crap. Normally, I'd be able to make it to the end, offering helpful tips and oblique references to Buffalo Springfield lyrics, but your attitude has just ruined the character for me.

 

This is not very good writing: not by FPL standards, not by University standards, and certainly not by the standards of someone who claims to have multiple literary degrees. Either you are lying, or you managed to acquire two degrees without learning the first thing about creative writing- and I'm not sure which is more depressing.

 

Whatever the case, you owe Sir Exal an apology.

[Guest Hayesmeister5651]

Ivan?

[Darkender]

Now that was a comeback!