Zarloc, Golem Mage

[Guest Red_Dragon]

Name

Zarloc the Golem Mage

 

Pic

http://a0.vox.com/6a00bf76d0a9b7438300c2252cac708e1d-pi

 

OOC History

Not sure. The idea just came to me over the summer.

 

Personality

Zarloc is a kind man and a great teacher. However, he does not tolerate bullying or anything of the sort. If you hurt someone weaker than yourself, the Golem Mage will stop you.

 

Fictional Character Biography

The door to the Techcane training chamber opened before Zack Pierce, an apprentice of the guild. He had hoped to get in a few hours of training before his master, Zarloc, called him to the day’s lesson. However, the room was already occupied, and by the least expected person in Zack’s mind. Master Zarloc was moving through the calming techniques Zack had learned in his first few weeks studying under the aged wizard with alarming difficulty.

The exercises were rudimentary even to students of a few months, yet the old mage moved slowly and deliberately. The arcs of lightning between his fists would crackle and spark instead of being steady. Several times a bolt flew out of the original stream and Zarloc grimaced in pain as he got the flow back under control. After several more minutes, the exercises ended. The great wizard slumped to the ground panting. Only then did he notice his student watching him. Confusion and worry were etched on his face. “How long were you standing there?†the teacher asked. He smiled to give the young man a reason not to worry, but he was in bad shape. They both knew it.

“A few minutes,†Zack said. While his face clearly showed his emotions, his voice was calm. The kid was tough.

Zarloc motioned for his student to sit next to him. “I think you should take the day off, Zack.â€

“Come on, master. I’ve had the last week off. I won’t be able to pass the final exams if you keep cancelling our training sessions. Can’t you just give me verbal instructions?â€

The old sage laughed. “Strong and eager to learn. You’ll be a great wizard some day. I guess I’ve let you slack off long enough. Today we start on binding.â€

 

“Now there are two types of binding,†began Zarloc. Zack and he had transferred from the training area to the wizard’s personal quarters. Spread out on the floor were books of various colors and sizes. Inside were spells gathered and copied throughout his long life. He continued, “The first is the traditional binding spells into everyday objects. I’m sure you’ve learned how to do that from your days of elementary education, so I won’t bother going over it again though you should refresh on your free time. The second is binding spells into other spells. Spell binding is more complicated than object binding. It is done through finding the pattern in spells and weaving them together during incantation. In effect, you are actually casting several spells at once.â€

Zarloc had his student memorize a pair of spells. At first, he would weave the spells for Zack to repeat. Then in later lessons, the pupil was told to find the pattern himself and bind them into an efficient, new incantation. Zarloc interrupted Zack only if there was a break in flow or a mispronunciation. “Either of these errors, could be fatal when working with more powerful magic,†he explained.

The session ended after several hours. Zack retired to the mess hall for student supper. His master had an appointment elsewhere, however. He walked briskly to the quarters of his old friend, the alchemist Benjamin Alcazar. If anyone could give him answers to what was wrong with his magic, it would be Alcazar. Zarloc was asked to describe how he was feeling and when the loss of control first occurred, but he couldn’t recall. Originally, the loss of control had come and gone in flare that weakened or strengthened his power for a short time. The spikes had lasted for a while, but the actual control loss was a recent change. Other than that he felt fine. The alchemist wrote down some notes and told his friend to come back tomorrow. Zarloc sighed and nodded. “I was really hoping to get some answers tonight, but I’ve learned not to rush you over our long friendship.â€

“It’s probably not as bad you think. A simple potion will most likely cure whatever is wrong. I just need to know what I need to cure.†Disappointed, Zarloc departed from Alcazar’s quarters, and went to find himself something to eat in the mess.

 

“It’s time to practice binding magic, Zack. I trust you memorized the incantations I want you to perform?†Zarloc asked.

“Yes, master,†the youth answered. “Um, Is everything okay? Usually you start off with a demonstration of your own and then go into a story from your youth.â€

“My power is still on the flux, so I can’t give any demonstration, and without the that I’m not really in the mood for the story, but since you seem to like them, I’ll think of a really interesting one for when I do get my magic under control.â€

“Uh, yeah. That sounds great,†Zack said, his eyes wide with dread. Zarloc was a great master and a kind man, but his “stories†sounded like something from a history textbook, and there usually was a moral lesson that Zack was supposed to extract from the endless droning and mid-tale pauses and explanations.

Continuing the lesson, Zarloc told his student which spells to use on a cup placed between the two of them. At first the cup started to shake. Then it rose into the air. It stopped at around a foot of the ground and started to shake more violently. Then it shattered. Zack stopped the flow of magic immediately. “Nice little combination isn’t it,†the old mage chuckled. “Against small inanimate objects, it takes little power. It is even useable against larger objects such as prison doors or your opponent’s weapon. I believe Archmage Uron has even managed to utilize this spell against living enemies.

The lesson continued much that way for the rest of the day. Zack created a clone that lasted as long as he could sustain it, a useful but costly skill. As his final lesson, he also learned how to redirect the lightning attacks of his master by allowing the magic to pass through the spaces between cells and back out of his body.

 

Afterwards, Zarloc skipped dinner again for Alcazar’s room. The alchemist said he would have some information by now and he rarely took longer than expected. The door opened for him quickly and shut even faster behind him. The alchemist looked at his friend with a curious look. “Of course not,†he murmured. “The disease shows no outer symptoms.â€

“Is something wrong, Ben,†Zarloc asked using the alchemist’s first name.

“Have you ever heard of Sagarism?†Alcazar replied with another question.

“The name sound familiar, but I can’t place where I’ve heard it.â€

“It’s a magical disease that targets old, powerful casters. It is a rare disease and I’ve never seen it before.â€

“Okay. How bad is it?†the mage asked nervously.

“Lethal. You will continue to lose control of your magic and then die by your own power.â€

“But there is a cure right?†Zarloc began to fidget nervously with his robes.

“Yes and no. A mage named Yaretha found a way to bind herself inside a suit of runed armor. She regained full control over her power. She was even stronger than before by some accounts, but she was never able to leave it. She had become the first Golem Mage.â€

“Them I know,†interrupted Zarloc. “They built suits of armor that absorbed magic. By using the energy stored inside the runes, they found a way around the natural magic suppression field iron and the like gives off.â€

“I’m glad I don’t need to explain that to you, at least,†smiled Alcazar. “I also found a book written by a Golem Mage that explains how to conquer Sagarism in incredible detail. So do you want to?â€

“Want to what?†questioned the mage.

“Become a Golem Mage, of course,†Alcazar replied. “If you decide to do this, you will never be looked at the same again.â€

“What do we need to do?â€

Alcazar snorted. “Matters this life changing should not be taken lightly.â€

It was Zarloc’s turn to smile. “I have life a long and full life, but there is energy in my spirit still. It is not my time to die. If this is how I should continue, then a Golem Mage I shall become.â€

Booming laughter echoed in the alchemist quarters. For an old man, Alcazar had a very youthful laugh. “Glad to hear it, my friend. Now we better get started. Preparations take no less than six months to complete according to the manuscript. Here,†he copied down a very complex spell from the book. “Memorize this. You will need to recite it later.â€

Zarloc said farewell to his friend for the time being. He retire to his quarters to practice the spell. When he looked at it, it appeared complicated. Complicated didn’t do it justice. The flow was broken almost from the start. The creator obviously had a different mindset. The old wizard decided it would be much simpler to retool the spell to suit his own rhythm. The effort took several long nights to complete, but when complete, the pattern was much better suited to his accent and voice, but practice was still needed. He would be working with some of the most potent magic devised. One small error would be fatal.

 

The next day, Zarloc broke the news to Zack. The boy didn’t take the news well. “The disease is made up,†he said. “You’ll get control back. You’re just in a slump.â€

“I’m glad to see you care for me, Zack, but I’m telling the truth.†The old mage explained what Alcazar had found and about the plan being prepared. “And this doesn’t change anything. I’m still going to be teaching you up until the night of the ritual and beyond that if I survive.â€

“Don’t say if, master?†the youth blurted. “Unless it actually happens, I don’t want to think of you dying.â€

“That makes two of us. Now back to the lesson. Let’s continue going over the spell binding you’ve been learning over the past two days. Just a few more and you’ll be able to practice without my guidance.â€

 

The next six months went by quickly and slowly at the same time. Zarloc was kept occupied between helping Alcazar with inscribing runes on armor, memorizing and tweaking the spell he would use soon, and teaching his pupil. However, the thought of wondering if his powers would go out of control and the thought of possibly dying in his act of self preservation along with the anxiety of waiting for it to be over brought time to a slow crawl at times, especially the quiet nights when he was accompanied only by his thoughts. Many sleepless nights were suffered during the period. The best nights were during rain when the pitter patter kept him from dwelling.

At last, the final day arrived. That night, Zarloc’s and Alcazar’s hard work would either be celebrated or vain, but there was still much work to do. The field had to be set up. The circle of power to focus and enhance the power of the spell still had to be carved into the clearing they had chosen for the Golem Mage Ritual. The runes to transfer the power of the magic into the armor Alcazar had forged still had to be written in the earth. Zack wanted to come along, but he had the final exams that day. The young wizard-to-be promised to come to the clearing as soon as was finished.

 

Night was almost completely fallen as Zack sprinted to the ritual. The forest looked normal. Good, they hadn’t started yet, but it was only a matter of time. The tests had lasted all day, and though he was tired and hungry, the kid had made a promise. He was going to keep it.

Back at the site, Alcazar helped his friend don the armor for the ritual. Black, spiked plate armor a different rune engraved into each individual piece. Together, the runes spelled out the spell used for the transfer of power. “Are you ready?†asked Alcazar.

“Are you?†replied Zalroc. They both laughed wearily. “It doesn’t matter,†the armored mage said with a sigh that echoed inside his mask. “Six months we’ve spent preparing for this. I’m not going to let it go to waste. Let’s get this over with.†Zalroc walked to the center of the circle. He sat cross-legged on the ground and delivered the spell that would define the rest of his life.

 

Words of power floated into the air. Clouds gathered over a forest clearing. The black of night was driven away by glowing runes carved into the ground. An armored figure sat in the center of the magic circle. The spell flew from the figure naturally and without any interruption in its flow. From the shadows, an eager and nervous student watched his master work magic he had never even seen before. A wizened man looked over a battered, old book, making sure everything was going as planned. All were nervous. The spell would either save the lightning mage or kill them all.

As the magic ended, a great blast of lightning shot from the moonless sky overhead. The armor was hit but no injury was sustained by the man inside. The runes flashed in a brilliant light as their power was used to channel the lightning into the armor. As the armor absorbed more electrical energy, the lightning strike intensified. As the intensity grew, the light of the runes grew brighter as the bolt was channeled faster. At some point the boy had to look away or risk blinding himself. He crossed his fingers and hoped that everything would work out.

When the entire clearing was threatened to be enveloped by the magic, a pulse from the center stopped everything. The silence and stillness of the present was bone chilling after the excitement of the past. The boy looked back. The lightning and clouds were gone revealing the night’s full moon. The runes were no longer on the ground. Now they emitted a dim light off the surface of the armor. Lightning crackled around the figure as he tested his new power. “It’s all right, Jake,†he said. His voice sounded hollow and metallic through the armored mask. “The spell worked.†The boy ran out of the woods with a cheer and a shout. The trio of spellcasters watched the first rays of sun peak over the trees. With a sigh of relief and laughter for a reason known only to them, they walked back to the Techcane Guild for sleep and then something to eat.

 

 

The Quick & Dirty Description

Zarloc is a powerful mage that caught a rare and mystical disease called Sagarism. The disease slowly deteriorated his control of magic. With the help of his friend Alcazar, he created a suit of armor that absorbs the magic he can no longer hold instead of letting it kill him. Now he uses the magic stored inside the armor to continue his career as mage of the Techcane Guild.

 

 

Powers and Abilities

Spellcraft with a specific focus on the lightning element.

 

Equipment

Armor that absorbs magical current. The armor is also what is keeping Zarloc alive.

[Guest Red_Dragon]

Be honest. This is my first serious attempt at the FPL. I want it to be a good one.

[Guest WereWolf]

Classes start in a bit, so I'll come back and go more in depth later.

 

For a first try, this is pretty good. There are some phrases that don't quite fit the tone or style of the rest of the story, which pulls me out of the entire piece, unfortunately. The general plot is interesting, although the suspense could be ratcheted up a bit. That's just something that comes with time and experience, though. My main gripe is with Zack. He does a good job of giving the reader (me) an entrance into Zarloc's character. Without Zack, it would be harder to connect to the powerful mage. However, I don't feel that Zack himself is necessary. In the end, he served no specific purpose in regards to the plot, and it seemed like he could have been replaced with any other character. I got a good feel for the characters, I think, but in the end I just didn't know if Zack needed to be there. Since he was introduced in the very beginning, and is with us the entire story, this is not a good thing.

 

Quick edit, more to come later. ThePoet mentioned the name, so I'll throw my in my two cents: When I saw the name, I thought it was a joke character. As in, a parody of the typical wizard-type character.

[Guest ThePoet]

Well since you asked for it, here's my take on it.

 

The good: You seem to know what you want to write about. Your diction in regards to magic, runes, spells, and the like really demonstrates a good knowledge base for what you're writing. You have some solidly structured plot points as well. There's an old wizard, he has something wrong, he seeks help, he gets help. Those are very logical plot points and really allow for editing, rewrites, and any tweeking you may do.

 

The bad: Too much dialogue. I appreciate dialogue, I really do, but you have a bit too much of it. I would suggest keeping the level you have, but raising the non-dialogue portions. The main reason I say that you have too much dialogue is that it doesn't accomplish much. There are several lines in there where I, as a reader, don't learn anything about the characters. I think that's because you could transplant some of the dialogue with very little editing to some housewives talking to each other over afternoon cocktails. The passage where Zarloc and Alcazar discuss his disease especially. Some of the lines were good, like the banter between pupil and student, but overall it needs work.

 

The Ugly: Landon doesn't like mutants as a general rule. I don't like anything that comes out directly and says what they are. Zarloc, the Golem Mage is a handcuffing title. Either people like Golem mages and will want to read it, or they see Golem mage and decide it's not worth their time. Take a name from the old site like Christopher Marlowe, Dodge Marphy, Nathaniel Jarvis. THose are generic names. A reader can't really make an accurate snap judgment about your story before reading it.

Golem mage also brings up another point. The FPL is a diverse culture. We have alternate universes, regular Joes, magicians, politicians, superheroes, etc... So you'll have a lot of people with differing backgrounds and viewpoints reading this. Your knowledge of spells and magic based phrases is good, but imagine reading this as if you'd never heard of spells or words of power. My point is, you used the correct diction but didn't lay a foundation. It'd be like me saying:

"The ratio of import to export in America is crippling our economic ability to capitalize in foreign markets." Sounds fancy right? Do most people know what the heck I'm talking about? Probably not. I'm not saying to dull it down completely, but a little background here and there would be nice.

 

The Non-descript: Your punctuation and grammar were good for the most part. I'd like a bit more description particularly in the setting. This is supposed to be magical and a fantasy world. A large part of those novels is the setting. Read Harry Potter or the Wheel of Time. Those books capture the setting well. I didn't get that hook that will draw readers in.

 

All in all, a decent first try, very decent. You have a solid story to work with and improve on. But yeah, it's a good start.

 

-ThePoet